Still Unemployed, Still Watching Too Much TV

If she hadn’t already had a level 10 meltdown (AND invited all her fans to come and stay in her guest room on my all-time favorite episode of Cribs), Mariah Carey 's marriage to Nick Cannon would have shocked me.







Worried that you won't be able to stand out on the millionth season of the Real World?? Here are some ways you will go down in Real World history!! ( You must be so proud!!)



1) As a southern white girl, get very offended when your African American roommate gets in your face a little and tell your roommate:

“I don’t care if you’re from the most inner city…Blackville…you don’t act like that”

(I swear, she literally says "Blackville.")





2) Overdose on alcohol and use the word "bro" to the point that you have to enter rehab during week one of the "Real World."






Just when I think I am capable of pretending that you (and the rest of your "reality" show) don’t exist, you announce you want to adopt an African child and name him “Dunk” because you know he will be good at basketball. Seriously?






May sweeps really aren’t as fun when the Rules of Engagement is the only show with new episodes.






Meredith Grey is a train wreck I simply don’t want to associate with anymore.



Nice guys always marry bossy girls.


Americans would love a sweet, confused closet homosexual to be their next Idol.

(Not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm just saying..he is clearly a friend of Seacrest.)




Women’s Murder Club makes me want to kill someone.




If I borrowed Ashton Kutcher’s camera, I would take a picture of my ass.


(While I am extremely dedicated to my blog, I am not taking a picture of my ass for you. This is just a funny ass I found online.)



Is there any way to add your first grade boyfriend on Facebook without seeming creepy?



Robin Williams seriously needs a drink.





In LA, Souplantation is a bulimic’s special treat. In Ohio, Souplantation* is just another Friday night. *Technically, in my town it is called Ponderosa.





I can’t believe I am saying this…but I kind of love Martha Stewart.



If I moved to Vegas, I would literally be dead after 48 hours.

I might have a drinking problem.

When you are 30 and you have a hangover, you can finally admit to yourself that Pepto Bismol really helps.



When you are unemployed, you still aren’t going to read any books.


Holding a grudge will probably pay off in the end.


My main addiction is cheese. A close second, Jack Daniels.




Bill Cosby got REALLY grumpy.




When you nap all day, that isn’t “resting”, that’s just being lazy.



My personal sneezing record is 32 times in a row.


**not my sexiest moment and not 32 times, but still pretty impressive!


P. Diddy now fancies himself an actor. Acting like an asshole isn’t going to get you an Oscar.





Mary Louise Parker makes drug dealing seem really scary and kind of hot at the same time.




Sex and the City is either going to be the best movie ever or the worst movie ever. I am inclined to bet on the latter.




Despite what you tell yourself, most people don’t recognize former Jeopardy champions at the mall.

(Back row, 3rd from the right. I saw him at The Grove. And as he walked away, I got confirmation because he was carrying a Jeopardy bag.)


Your career must be on fire if you are performing at Rocket Video on a Saturday night.


When I am drunk, I can speak fluent Spanish. Es la verdad.


Life doesn’t get any better than college. There. I said it.





I am the only person in LA without a t-shirt line.


Knowing Shakespeare is one thing.
Constantly quoting Shakespeare means you are a douche bag.




The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake is everything that is wrong with this world. The original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is everything that is right.




I’m not good at sports, but I think I could win a national title in texting.


I literally don’t have a taco or pizza slice eating limit.


Diane Keaton needs to calm down with the gloves in summer.



Ellen DeGeneres jumped the dog (Iggy) last year.



No matter how hard you try, you are never going to be able to convince your friends that a Batman Alternate Reality Game is cool.



I LOVE it when Tyra gets ghetto.



Gary Coleman dressing up as Mr. T is one of the best sitcom moments ever.



Tori Spelling almost loves the gays more than me.


Amy Winehouse makes me feel better about myself.



Vincent D'Onofrio is the new Columbo, only this Columbo I'm oddly attracted to.



I don’t want to give anything away, but the special guest star/famous person is always the murderer.


I don't care what anyone says, Matt Riddle is a badass.


When I grow up, I want to be Amy Sedaris.



Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I am a lot more like Jerri Blank.




I wish vegetables tasted like Flinstones vitamins. Then I would actually want to eat them.



I seriously might be addicted to America’s Next Top Model. I can’t stop. Someone. Anyone. Help.


What we call a “sprinkle” in Ohio, is a “Stormwatch” in LA.


In case you don't know how ridiculous LA is, here is our meteorologist, Dallas Raines.




Dr. Phil is a jackass.



If you cheat on your boyfriend on a reality show, um.. he is actually going to find out when the show airs.


Nothing good ever comes from a reunion show.


I feel a lot more empty inside without Jack Bauer than without a job.