Things We All Can Learn From My Unemployment

My “natural” wakeup alarm goes off at around 1 PM.

The UPS man is less judgmental about you being in your pajamas at 5 PM than your boyfriend.

Bret Michaels has a LOT of wisdom to pass on. In particular, gigantic boobs can be very distracting but if your face looks like Joan Rivers at age 25, he may not want facetime.



When Danny Bonaduce is judging whether or not your kid is going to be a big star, Welcome to Hollywood. Your life is about to be in the shitter.




As long as Stefano Dimera is maniacally targeting the Bradys,
Days of Our Lives is still the best show on
TV.



That guy on The Soup is funny and kind of secretly hot.



Fifteen and Pregnant is Kirsten Dunst’s best work to date.




Getting drunk and eating cheddar cheese isn’t going to help you convince your doctor that being unemployed isn’t hurting your cholesterol.


If you forget to mention and claim that $500 you earned in comedy last year, the unemployment office will come to the obvious conclusion that you MUST be someone trying to steal the illustrious career of Lisa Gopman.

You can get a deal on a YMCA membership if you are unemployed, but you actually have to make yourself go to the YMCA to get the deal.

When you skip around town talking about how good unemployment is, you make your telemarketing boyfriend have the urge to kill.


When you brag about unemployment at Lenscrafters, your optometrist might confide in you that she is really a musician and that you have just convinced her to quit tomorrow.

Without even trying, you can spend a full “work” day on myspace finding out what all your old “buddies” from high school are doing now.

You might find that a lot of those former classmates seem to be married women who love NASCAR. Hmmmm ?



Obsessively stalking travel sites for deals, doesn’t mean you can tell people you traveled the world with your time off.

There are a lot of REALLY dumb girls on TV who can’t figure out why they are still single.

Saturday Night Live sucks now because Tina Fey isn’t the head writer.



Ashley Simpson managed to involve herself with someone equally untalented and uninteresting.



Oprah is so NOT G-d. In fact, she is pretty f***ing needy.

Gayle knows a good vajajay when she figures out
how to live off of it.




They don’t make game shows like the original
What’s My Line? anymore.






Doritos Collisions are a gift from G-d.



Despite Bravo’s best efforts, the word fierce does get old after the hundredth time.






Star Jones’
divorce has renewed my faith in humanity. Seriously. It has.




When you hit 30, you really do start to appreciate wine. Or else you just feel weird when you are the only one arriving at the party with a large bottle of Jack Daniels.

Legalize it.


Bob Marley can make a grown man cry.
Especially at 4 in the morning.



Purim is the coolest Jewish holiday. You are supposed to dress up like one of the characters in the holiday story and then get so drunk that you can’t remember who you dressed up as.





Jesus wouldn’t want you to judge so much. How about if you learn your lessons and I learn more? Oops. I mean mine.


Girls, you don‘t have to end up with assholes like Ray Pruit. There are better options out there.
Don’t settle.

If you are a “metro” in LA, you are a “homo” in NY.


Scientologists don’t like it when you give
them back the stare.


When you date someone for 7 years, you get a LOT of shit at weddings and usually have to black out drink to deal.

I might have 2 personalities.

Even though it is great they are environmentally responsible, a lot of assholes drive hybrids.

There is a reason I never saw Coyote Ugly until I was unemployed.



There are a lot of hack comedians that
work constantly.




Jay Leno is embarrassing.



It doesn’t make you feel good about yourself when you are
too drunk to get through an entire episode of Celebrity Rehab.




If you suck but your parents are famous, you are Gwyneth Paltrow. If you suck as a musician and your parents are famous, you are on Rock the Cradle.




It’s probably better if we don’t find out the secret talents of celebrities.


Sometimes, even you don’t know whether you are a Cylon or not.




Hulk Hogan is kind of a pig.




Just because you take a great picture, you aren’t necessarily right to be America’s Next Top Model.


Matzah does not fill you up.

Some days, don’t you kind of want to settle down with Dwight on his beet farm?




If you want to be a professional slut, make as many internet “friends” as you can, convince people that you love boys AND girls, and convince MTV that playing your dating show 10 times a day will make the world a better place.




Some days, you will feel more productive sending five cat pictures to your boyfriend than sending five resumes to AOL CareerBuilder.

(My cat is helping me pick a good headshot)

written (with love:) by Lisa Gopman