I'm Still Alive...and I Am Gathering Some Serious Stories For You!!

Hi everyone! I just wanted to check in with you and tell you that I am still alive...I have just been traveling like crazy(and yes, I am still unemployed, I just fancy myself an unemployed Paris Hilton!) I have done everything from camping, to TWO Vegas trips, lived the east coast life in NYC, saw George Michael live in concert and just attended a wedding I have been looking forward to for a whole year!!! So trust me....some more blogs are coming:) I promise!

And until then...here is a picture that kind of describes what I have been up to since the last time you heard from me!

(This is me, allegedly "not drunk" after a 7 HOUR OPEN BAR!!!!)

Don't Blink!! You Might Miss It! Me On TMZ

My TMZ Premiere!!! Finally!!! I am thinking of making my new job...paparazzi chaser! I saw all the cameras and went running to them (while my friend Amy was forced to hold onto my 3 boxes of leftovers from Big Wangs)! I was a little disappointed to find out it was a lame dancer from Dancing With The Stars!! Hopefully, sometime soon...the paparazzi will be chasing me!! And I'm not going to say I hadn't had a few jack and cokes..but duh Cheryl, I knew the camera was filming.

(look about 30 secs. into the video)

Lisa Gopman Walks Behind Cheryl Burke

One of the Greatest

I couldn't just go about my blog as usual. I have to address the passing of one of the most influential comedians of my lifetime...George Carlin.

I was immediately saddened by the news that he passed away this week. Believe it or not, his album, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics was the first CD I ever bought. Something about it jumped out at me. If I remember correctly, the salesclerk actually tried to persuade me to buy the one with 7 Dirty Words on it. That is the one he is famous for she told me. Keep in mind, I was making the purchase with some Bat Mitzvah money, so I was all of 13 years old.

I started laughing from practically the second that I turned it on. And why I laughed, is one of the reasons I feel compelled to write about George Carlin this week. There are two things that strike me the most about George Carlin 1) he is not afraid to speak his mind 2) even if you find some of his stuff offensive/not funny, I think there is at least one part of at least one of his bits that will make you laugh your ass off.

For those of you that have seen my standup, you probably know I am not at all dirty. And honestly, some of Carlin's dirty stuff makes me laugh...but that is not what makes me laugh the hardest. As a comic, he really evolved and had a lot of different phases, and personally, I LOVE his bitterness the most. I completely relate to it. There is a part of me that understands getting worked up about things. Lewis Black and Louis C.K. are two of my favorite comics right now, and as I watched Carlin's stuff, I was struck by their similarities to him..mainly because they get really pissed off all the time too.

George Carlin took things a step further. He didn't just believe in what he was writing and performing, he believed in it enough to get arrested.


He wanted his comedy to challenge the way we think. He wasn't afraid to make fun of religion or rape or other societal taboos. Even though I feel like he and I have almost nothing in common, there are two ways I feel extremely connected. 1) I love throwing in the f word sometimes. I can't help it. I feel like sometimes, it can really fucking emphasize a point. 2) I am thankful that someone has paved the way for us comics to speak our mind. Sometimes I get pissed off about politics or the post office or something silly like Gwyneth Paltrow, and I am thankful that George Carlin got the American public used to a good old fashioned rant. Because I don't know how I would get through life without venting about stuff that pisses me off. And I can only aspire to get as pissed off as the great George Carlin.



A Little Education For You

George Carlin is most famous for his ***Seven Dirty Words routine.



This was nearly impossible to find(and sorry it technically isn't a video) but still one of my favorites.





This is from the album that I played over and over again. Not as well known as some of his earlier bits, but one that made me laugh and think, hmmm, I kind of love comedy!





If you are sensitive about religion, this might make you a little angry, but George wouldn't have it any other way.





Hopefully, there is something on this page that you can appreciate. George Carlin might not be for everyone, but there is no question that he will be remembered as a man who changed comedy forever.

***Here is a brief explanation from Wikipedia about what went down.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_dirty_words

DID I MENTION I HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME?

Charlotte's Web and/or Babe will completely blow a cat's mind.

(Go ahead and click on the play button. This is a real video of my cat watching Charlotte's Web. Did I mention I have a lot of free time?)


Correction...... Both Hogans are completely despicable.



Is it just me or is Hollywood REALLY stretching the word "celebrity?"

(C. Thomas Howell on Celebracadabra...need I say more?)


When, for a second, I am completely mesmerized by Peter Brady on a high-wire, TV sucks.



Dina Lohan is the definition of a cougar.



Ali Lohan is already so tragic.

Denise Richards should probably just look hot and not talk.



Even though I would feel awkward
"talking" to many of my "friends" on facebook,
I feel completely comfortable being updated on their emotional/physical status every 2 hours.


I never want to work again.

I must confess...I still think Alanis Morissette is awesome.



Every Coldplay song sounds exactly the same. Incredibly whiny.



Even though I haven't been to Spain for ten years....I like to keep the traditions by taking a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day.

Tapas restaurants are my favorite restaurants because you can order fourths and no one will look at you funny.



Be careful boys...there are a lot of fucked up chicks out there trying to trick you into marriage.

13 years later......and I'm sorry...but Clueless still makes me pee.



When you are at a party and a guy with an eyepatch shows up..you know things are going to get crazy!


I still loathe Star Trek...but at some point of my unemployment...I turned into a bit of a sci-fi nerd.




A "hot" club with a long line on a Monday night only proves that there are a lot of unemployed people in L.A.

Some things about Ohio are lame...but Skyline chili rules!



My apologies to The Hoff, but I'm pretty skeptical about America having Talent.



I am definitely a dual personality Gemini. I go back and forth between thinking I am an artist and thinking I am an alcoholic.



Sudden death from salmonella. Yet another reason that tomatoes suck.




TiVo is the greatest invention of my lifetime. Besides string cheese.




Charlie Lee is the worst postal carrier in the U.S.

Smog checks are total bullshit.


Word from the wise, don't go to your smog check hungry or the mechanic might trick you into accepting an unidentifiable ethnic treat in place of the free car wash he promised you.

I found the pictures for this blog at 5 AM, after 6 jack and cokes and an entire frozen cheese pizza.

I'm Italian...and I used to be able to lay out in the sun without even applying SPF 15. All of a sudden I need SPF 50. Global warming much?

Absinthe blows my mind.


Even if you don't give a shit about sports...some moments can truly inspire you.







If you are 40, single, and still doing ecstasy..you are gay.

I'm Not Getting Any Smarter

If I did a one-woman show, it would be called Ranch dressing and Jerry Springer.


The best part of unemployment is you can say yes to everything...just don't ask me to run or help you move.

I only run for beer and well, sorry to be repetitive, cheddar cheese.

Summer programming can only make America dumber.

America doesn't really get it when you stay with a man who fucks around on you.

(This was the EASIEST picture to find. Poor Hillary.)

As much as I loved red-headed boys as a child, adult men with red hair are creepy. Men with LONG red hair scare the shit out of me.



Indiana Jones, you had me. Until Shia LaBeouf started swinging through vines like a monkey.

(clearly Spielberg was too mortified to let any pictures of the monkeys onto the internet)


I can't wait to see my first love this summer.


(Explains a lot doesn't it?)



I ate 7 hot dogs my birthday weekend. Don't tell Dr. Kieu.




Am I the only one who really thought they would "make it" by age 30? Um, 40 is the new 30 right?


Whatever Celtics fans. I met Larry Bird once.
He was a jerk.



David Sedaris
might be the only man who understands me.



The island NEEDS you all to come back.



I LOVE Steve Carrell, but having him be romantic with Anne Hathaway* is creepy. Even though I personally would totally have sex with him.

*By the way, I've already seen the movie and sorry Get Smart writers, but your explanation of their age difference doesn't make it any less creepy!


TV/Movie-crossover advertising is just getting too ridiculous. Seriously.



I kind of love Wolf though.



I might be getting too old for keg parties. No. Scratch that. You are never too old for a kegger.


Part of me is sick-to-my-stomach thinking about the new 90210. The other part of me knows I am going to get a Tivo season pass no matter what.

I can't believe when I was in middle school I couldn't wait to shave my legs.
Now I will do anything to avoid it.

Is it wrong
that I REALLY want to mess with the Zohan?


Wine tasting is a fancy way of saying "For now, I am going to be dignified. However, I am going to buy three bottles of wine, go home, and drink until I fall down." Or is that just me?

If you ask me..it should be Carrie and Aidan.



I am so sick of nepotism.



Mike Myers is getting desperate.

Still Unemployed, Still Watching Too Much TV

If she hadn’t already had a level 10 meltdown (AND invited all her fans to come and stay in her guest room on my all-time favorite episode of Cribs), Mariah Carey 's marriage to Nick Cannon would have shocked me.







Worried that you won't be able to stand out on the millionth season of the Real World?? Here are some ways you will go down in Real World history!! ( You must be so proud!!)



1) As a southern white girl, get very offended when your African American roommate gets in your face a little and tell your roommate:

“I don’t care if you’re from the most inner city…Blackville…you don’t act like that”

(I swear, she literally says "Blackville.")





2) Overdose on alcohol and use the word "bro" to the point that you have to enter rehab during week one of the "Real World."






Just when I think I am capable of pretending that you (and the rest of your "reality" show) don’t exist, you announce you want to adopt an African child and name him “Dunk” because you know he will be good at basketball. Seriously?






May sweeps really aren’t as fun when the Rules of Engagement is the only show with new episodes.






Meredith Grey is a train wreck I simply don’t want to associate with anymore.



Nice guys always marry bossy girls.


Americans would love a sweet, confused closet homosexual to be their next Idol.

(Not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm just saying..he is clearly a friend of Seacrest.)




Women’s Murder Club makes me want to kill someone.




If I borrowed Ashton Kutcher’s camera, I would take a picture of my ass.


(While I am extremely dedicated to my blog, I am not taking a picture of my ass for you. This is just a funny ass I found online.)



Is there any way to add your first grade boyfriend on Facebook without seeming creepy?



Robin Williams seriously needs a drink.





In LA, Souplantation is a bulimic’s special treat. In Ohio, Souplantation* is just another Friday night. *Technically, in my town it is called Ponderosa.





I can’t believe I am saying this…but I kind of love Martha Stewart.



If I moved to Vegas, I would literally be dead after 48 hours.

I might have a drinking problem.

When you are 30 and you have a hangover, you can finally admit to yourself that Pepto Bismol really helps.



When you are unemployed, you still aren’t going to read any books.


Holding a grudge will probably pay off in the end.


My main addiction is cheese. A close second, Jack Daniels.




Bill Cosby got REALLY grumpy.




When you nap all day, that isn’t “resting”, that’s just being lazy.



My personal sneezing record is 32 times in a row.


**not my sexiest moment and not 32 times, but still pretty impressive!


P. Diddy now fancies himself an actor. Acting like an asshole isn’t going to get you an Oscar.





Mary Louise Parker makes drug dealing seem really scary and kind of hot at the same time.




Sex and the City is either going to be the best movie ever or the worst movie ever. I am inclined to bet on the latter.




Despite what you tell yourself, most people don’t recognize former Jeopardy champions at the mall.

(Back row, 3rd from the right. I saw him at The Grove. And as he walked away, I got confirmation because he was carrying a Jeopardy bag.)


Your career must be on fire if you are performing at Rocket Video on a Saturday night.


When I am drunk, I can speak fluent Spanish. Es la verdad.


Life doesn’t get any better than college. There. I said it.





I am the only person in LA without a t-shirt line.


Knowing Shakespeare is one thing.
Constantly quoting Shakespeare means you are a douche bag.




The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake is everything that is wrong with this world. The original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is everything that is right.




I’m not good at sports, but I think I could win a national title in texting.


I literally don’t have a taco or pizza slice eating limit.


Diane Keaton needs to calm down with the gloves in summer.



Ellen DeGeneres jumped the dog (Iggy) last year.



No matter how hard you try, you are never going to be able to convince your friends that a Batman Alternate Reality Game is cool.



I LOVE it when Tyra gets ghetto.



Gary Coleman dressing up as Mr. T is one of the best sitcom moments ever.



Tori Spelling almost loves the gays more than me.


Amy Winehouse makes me feel better about myself.



Vincent D'Onofrio is the new Columbo, only this Columbo I'm oddly attracted to.



I don’t want to give anything away, but the special guest star/famous person is always the murderer.


I don't care what anyone says, Matt Riddle is a badass.


When I grow up, I want to be Amy Sedaris.



Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I am a lot more like Jerri Blank.




I wish vegetables tasted like Flinstones vitamins. Then I would actually want to eat them.



I seriously might be addicted to America’s Next Top Model. I can’t stop. Someone. Anyone. Help.


What we call a “sprinkle” in Ohio, is a “Stormwatch” in LA.


In case you don't know how ridiculous LA is, here is our meteorologist, Dallas Raines.




Dr. Phil is a jackass.



If you cheat on your boyfriend on a reality show, um.. he is actually going to find out when the show airs.


Nothing good ever comes from a reunion show.


I feel a lot more empty inside without Jack Bauer than without a job.