Lessons I Learned While Sick and High on Robitussin

Don't try it. No matter how congested you are, even snot can't block the smell of that first alcohol you got drunk on. You know, the one you haven't even been able to look at for 15 years.

(Yep, I threw up 17 times the one and only time that me and Citron met)


Going a whole month without kissing your boyfriend so he won't get sick will really get to you.

Plus you will make lots of silly Pretty Woman "I don't kiss on the mouth" jokes.





You can tell I'm sick if I turn down cheese or alcohol.




There was a cheese plate in my fridge for 2 days. Completely unheard of.


Just when Ashton Kutcher couldn't be any douchier. He started rolling his pants.





Roseanne is one of the greatest shows in history with one of the greatest casts in history.




Your lips get really chapped when you have to walk around town with your mouth open to breathe.




One of the greatest gifts I've given myself was NOT watching Seinfeld back in the day. It's like I have a brand new awesome comedy, 7 days a week.



I can finally admit it, Seinfeld IS pretty funny.


But Curb is SO much funnier.

.


And for the record, sometimes I relate a little TOO much to Larry David/George Constanza.




Campbell's chicken noodle soup doesn't get old.




Why is everyone trying to get me to sell back my old gold for cash?




America loves a trainwreck. A lot.




This movie makes me want to go on a killing spree.

.


It is literally everything I hate about standup comedy. Hack comics trying to be hilarious for their knucklehead friends.




AAAAH! Can everyone stop saying apps?




Seriously, why do I love you so much?





Yes. Most of us do want more comedy. But this guy doesn't equal comedy.



(Even this picture is hacky!)


So now you are SyFy? Really?
Somehow you've managed to become even more nerdy.





I'm desperate for summer TV. For some reason I've been watching this random show.




I hate vegetables but sometimes I REALLY crave this. I feel like it might have crack in it or something.




Words can't describe how much you irritate me. But you took it to the next level when you said on Conan that your son thinks all black singers are "Uncle Jay." Or Jay Z to the rest of us. Puke.




This show is SO lame without Jerry.



Plus I can't look at you without thinking you must have mommy issues.



I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kind of want this vampire to bite me. Weird, right?




When you can't breathe through your nose, it doesn't matter if you don't shower for a few days. You won't be able to smell anything.








Maybe you should have spent a little less time focusing on this...





And a little more time focusing on the fact that your son became a SERIOUS drug dealer right under your nose. No pun intended:)





Nope. I still don't like pickles.

I Feel Like I Am Getting a Little Old and Bitter

I am stoked that that wasn't your head in the box.



Though I keep thinking of that scene in Soapdish where Whoopi says " how am I going to write for someone that doesn't have a head?"


But I still want to have your babies. Seriously Wentworth...I will carry your babies. The offer is on the table.


I can't believe this was my favorite summer comedy.



But honestly...it reminded me of a lot of guys I know. I mean I can't think of many 35 year old guys I know who don't have either a Chewbacca mask or Hulk hands at home. Is that weird?


(see the Hulk Hands? I rest my case:)


Why does my friend Amy (and her roommate Allen) think it is so wrong that I love this cartoon character? I can't be the only one who sees the similarities between her and I!




I heard they are developing a new Facebook for the CIA. That SO doesn't surprise me. Even people with top secret identities want to find out if their rival from high school is fat!

I ended my summer by seeing Donna Summer live. That night was either the youngest I've ever felt...or the oldest I've ever felt. I still can't decide.


But a lot of 40 year old queens love some Donna Summer!

(No...Ricky Martin wasn't there. I was just trying to think of 40 year old gays and I found these pictures of Ricky and "a friend." But I'm not judging....because to me, these are half hilarious and half hot!!!)



My boyfriend pointed out something so true. I don't have a stopping point for texting (or IM ing). No really. I will just keep chatting with you until you cut me off first. I have never been the one to stop first. Ever.

If you say you don't put up with high maintenance people....just so you know...you are the high maintenance person that all of your friends are putting up with.

It's funny that you want nothing to do with Jay-Z or your sister. Because 90% of the pictures I found were you trying to worm your way into pictures with your sister.


I forgot to mention something in my Olympics blog. I was a little irritated that certain people walked away with the gold (Kobe). On the other hand, one guy's tears made me realize how grateful he is for all his success.
Kobe...you could learn a lot from the man to your left.


I spend way too much time online. I just joined another alternate reality game. Maybe I should focus on getting a job?

I think the Bengals have their own curse. The curse of Ickey Woods. It seems like the Ickey Ickey Shake was the last time things were going well.



How did MTV read my mind? Whenever I watched My Super Sweet 16...I always wished someone would send these little brats to Africa. Fucking awesome.


AND....just when I was thinking, man, these little shits SO don't live in the "Real World" and I'm over it!! ...they sent them to a deserted island with 4 rolls of toilet paper! Thank you MTV!!




I hate ants in the summertime. Why must they stalk me?

I am SO proud of Next Top Model for having a transgendered woman. I finally have justification for supporting this show.


But don't think I am going to let Tyra-bot slide.

(No...this isn't a Tyra-bot photo...but I found it equally ridiculous)

And, am I the only who noticed the magician that announced the judges? I can't be the only one who still remembers Max from Saved By the Bell.



I don't let it make me feel bad when the delivery guy assumes there are four people and brings four sets of silverware for the food that me and my boyfriend have ordered. I just think to myself...wow...that delivery guy really underestimates my eating abilities!!!

I may be turning into a grumpy old lady. I was talking to myself at Target when someone in front of me tried to pay with a check....Oh Jesus.

A word from the wise...when you see someone in line at Target buying a gallon of milk. Pick a different line. Things aren't going to end well.



When did A.C. Slater fancy himself a cool guy? Honestly...you are the new Seacrest...but even more gay.



When you are unemployed and alone a lot...you might find yourself having a heart to heart with your cat about the sad loss of Bernie Mac. And you might swear he sympathized.


A note to my guy friends...if you are dating a girl who has left more than one date in an ambulance....run!!

I can safely say after watching the Bob Saget roast that when I am old....I hope I am stealing the show like this lady.

(And yes....this is Cloris Leachman holding a keg over her head!!)

I don't think I really like vampires. But I got tricked into liking "sexy" vampires!


If you don't know about The Jitterbug.....wow....you are missing out on some comedy.


I keep fighting going back to a "normal" job....so....I apply to things like this on craigslist;

Casting Busty Woman For Comedy Pilot (no nudity)


And attaching a jpeg with the title "busty headshot." Not one of my proudest moments.