Lessons I Learned While Sick and High on Robitussin

Don't try it. No matter how congested you are, even snot can't block the smell of that first alcohol you got drunk on. You know, the one you haven't even been able to look at for 15 years.

(Yep, I threw up 17 times the one and only time that me and Citron met)


Going a whole month without kissing your boyfriend so he won't get sick will really get to you.

Plus you will make lots of silly Pretty Woman "I don't kiss on the mouth" jokes.





You can tell I'm sick if I turn down cheese or alcohol.




There was a cheese plate in my fridge for 2 days. Completely unheard of.


Just when Ashton Kutcher couldn't be any douchier. He started rolling his pants.





Roseanne is one of the greatest shows in history with one of the greatest casts in history.




Your lips get really chapped when you have to walk around town with your mouth open to breathe.




One of the greatest gifts I've given myself was NOT watching Seinfeld back in the day. It's like I have a brand new awesome comedy, 7 days a week.



I can finally admit it, Seinfeld IS pretty funny.


But Curb is SO much funnier.

.


And for the record, sometimes I relate a little TOO much to Larry David/George Constanza.




Campbell's chicken noodle soup doesn't get old.




Why is everyone trying to get me to sell back my old gold for cash?




America loves a trainwreck. A lot.




This movie makes me want to go on a killing spree.

.


It is literally everything I hate about standup comedy. Hack comics trying to be hilarious for their knucklehead friends.




AAAAH! Can everyone stop saying apps?




Seriously, why do I love you so much?





Yes. Most of us do want more comedy. But this guy doesn't equal comedy.



(Even this picture is hacky!)


So now you are SyFy? Really?
Somehow you've managed to become even more nerdy.





I'm desperate for summer TV. For some reason I've been watching this random show.




I hate vegetables but sometimes I REALLY crave this. I feel like it might have crack in it or something.




Words can't describe how much you irritate me. But you took it to the next level when you said on Conan that your son thinks all black singers are "Uncle Jay." Or Jay Z to the rest of us. Puke.




This show is SO lame without Jerry.



Plus I can't look at you without thinking you must have mommy issues.



I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kind of want this vampire to bite me. Weird, right?




When you can't breathe through your nose, it doesn't matter if you don't shower for a few days. You won't be able to smell anything.








Maybe you should have spent a little less time focusing on this...





And a little more time focusing on the fact that your son became a SERIOUS drug dealer right under your nose. No pun intended:)





Nope. I still don't like pickles.

I'm Back! And I Missed You Blog:)

Congratulations on joining facebook Oprah. I promise NOT to accept your friend request.



I love Tyra as much as the next gay man, but this is ridiculous.



I'm kind of enjoying the new slutty Alias.


People often ask me what it's like living in Hollywood. Well, sometimes things get crazy and you end up doing a shot with this guy...all grown up.



This whole situation is just sad to me.



Even though he is kind of an evil game-player, this guy is inspirational.



Please enjoy some of the best falls you have seen in a while.

(The video is a little long, because I just couldn't decide which fall was my favorite!!)


It makes me feel kind of dirty, but I can't stop watching this show.



But really, Taya? She is the worst. How did you manage to pick the skankiest girl that actually THINKS she is classy? A-O



I am SO not surprised you went out looking for college girls.




Maybe now TLC will stop glorifying families that have this many kids!



Or not.



Congratulations Pac-10 Champions!! I am SO proud of you!



And if you ever want to have Italian babies, I'm all yours.



The show is insane. But I think that is why it is kind of genius.



I am SO glad you have finally jumped the shark. Thank G-d!



But I hope to still see your drunk ass on TV.



I kind of wish Tracy was back on SNL.



I already miss ER:(



I am still distraught over this going off the market. (If you haven't tried one, run to your closest gas station ASAP!)



The recession doesn't seem to affect those damn girl scouts in any way.
How can I get in on those Girl Scout cookies?




P.S. Thanks Amy for introducing me to these. They are no thin mint, but they are delicious!



Okay, I like them, but this girl creeped me out.



I couldn't find any pictures of her, but how much do you hate that little shit who tells her mom she won't eat minced fish?


And speaking of annoying commercials, why are you doing commercials again? Ugh!



You know I'll always love you Chino, but I hope you've taken some acting classes since the OC.



Only in Ohio! I love my home state sometimes.
http://www.tmz.com/2009/03/31/creative-drunk-gets-dui-on-a-motorized-bar-stool/


When did my TV get so small that the scores and captions don't fit on my screen? I get it. I don't have a fancy HDTV. Why don't you just kick me when I'm down.



I knew this chick was psycho. But I admire her creativity in attacking someone with a cat. P.S. Make sure to notice her fiance's last name. Nothing makes me laugh more than rhyming names!
http://www.theinsider.com/news/1876224_Project_Runway_Season_5_Finalist_Kenley_Collins_Arrested


Isn't it performing 101 to make sure your mic is turned off if you are going to start talking about your vagina offstage?



This show is so awesomely addictive!




I eat sushi once a week. I'm still available Broadway. Unlike this douche.