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Don't try it. No matter how congested you are, even snot can't block the smell of that first alcohol you got drunk on. You know, the one you haven't even been able to look at for 15 years.
(Yep, I threw up 17 times the one and only time that me and Citron met)
Going a whole month without kissing your boyfriend so he won't get sick will really get to you.
Plus you will make lots of silly Pretty Woman "I don't kiss on the mouth" jokes.
You can tell I'm sick if I turn down cheese or alcohol.
There was a cheese plate in my fridge for 2 days. Completely unheard of.
Just when Ashton Kutcher couldn't be any douchier. He started rolling his pants.
Roseanne is one of the greatest shows in history with one of the greatest casts in history.
Your lips get really chapped when you have to walk around town with your mouth open to breathe.
One of the greatest gifts I've given myself was NOT watching Seinfeld back in the day. It's like I have a brand new awesome comedy, 7 days a week.
I can finally admit it, Seinfeld IS pretty funny.
But Curb is SO much funnier.
. 
And for the record, sometimes I relate a little TOO much to Larry David/George Constanza.
Campbell's chicken noodle soup doesn't get old.
Why is everyone trying to get me to sell back my old gold for cash?
America loves a trainwreck. A lot.
This movie makes me want to go on a killing spree.
.
It is literally everything I hate about standup comedy. Hack comics trying to be hilarious for their knucklehead friends.
AAAAH! Can everyone stop saying apps?
Seriously, why do I love you so much?
Yes. Most of us do want more comedy. But this guy doesn't equal comedy.
(Even this picture is hacky!)
So now you are SyFy? Really?
Somehow you've managed to become even more nerdy.
I'm desperate for summer TV. For some reason I've been watching this random show.
I hate vegetables but sometimes I REALLY crave this. I feel like it might have crack in it or something.
Words can't describe how much you irritate me. But you took it to the next level when you said on Conan that your son thinks all black singers are "Uncle Jay." Or Jay Z to the rest of us. Puke.
This show is SO lame without Jerry.
Plus I can't look at you without thinking you must have mommy issues.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kind of want this vampire to bite me. Weird, right?
When you can't breathe through your nose, it doesn't matter if you don't shower for a few days. You won't be able to smell anything.
Maybe you should have spent a little less time focusing on this...
And a little more time focusing on the fact that your son became a SERIOUS drug dealer right under your nose. No pun intended:)
Nope. I still don't like pickles.
The minute I set my Tivo to record, I felt dirty inside. Out to dinner for my birthday, I broached the subject with my boyfriend, Matt.
"So,um, I Tivoed I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here. But, it's probably going to be bad."
To which he replied; "Well, obviously you are thinking about it, so you are excited."
Shit. He knows me too well.
"But there aren't any celebrities on it that I really care about."
Then Matt speaks some wise words; "Come on. That show is all about having someone to hate."
And just as I start to say that I don't really hate anyone, Matt and I look at each other and say in unison, "Heidi and Spencer."
To be honest, I don't really know much about Heidi and Spencer, but what I know, I hate. Most of my information does come in the form of clips from Joel McHale, but Joel has never let me down before, so I trust his judgment. Before watching the show, here is what I know; they are on a fake show called the Hills, that stars a bunch of really dumb chicks, has an ongoing feud with Heidi and Lauren, and EVERYONE hates the creepy flesh-colored bearded guy Spencer (did I mention he wants to adopt an African child one day and name him Dunk because he knows he will be good at basketball?) I'll stop right there.
So I begin to watch the first episode, and immediately I think to myself, who came up with this cast? It is totally bizarre. I'm not sure which is more random; Frangela or Rob Blagojevich's wife. I actually kind of know Frances(of Frangela)and I immediately feel bad as she falls in the creek. Girl, who tricked you into this shit? No agent could ever talk my ass into hiking on TV. Or camping.
And speaking of tricking, Janice Dickinson has already tricked John Salley into carrying her bag. For a second I kind of like Janice again. The woman has balls. Then I remember her completely lame meltdown about plus size models on her Oxygen show this year. Come on . Have you looked at yourself lately? Listen Skeletor, you probably shouldn't be judging other people's looks anymore. But I digress.
Everyone shows up at camp and immediately I am scared by Heidi and Spencer. First of all, no one should use the words "my wife" that much. It is creepy and all wrong. Spencer acts like he OWNS Heidi. They are both trying to assess where they are going to sleep. Speidi is horrified by the campsite (Heidi says she can't go this long without sex but let's be honest, the Hills doesn't usually put that in the script anyway) and immediately they have a meltdown.
Now I have to be honest, they had so many meltdowns, I had a REALLY hard time keeping them straight. But here is a summary. At one point they fake leave camp and everyone decides to jack their supplies. Angela (part of Frangela) takes Heidi's dry shampoo and Sanjaya (looking creepy and a little reminiscent of the lead singer of the Fine Young Cannibals with an odd shaved head/slight Mohawk) tries to steal their bed. Angela pulls the labels off Heidi's dry shampoo. As Speidi comes skipping back into camp, they blow a gasket mostly over the labels. Really? Heidi cries and Spencer almost punches Angela. He says he spent a whole day making those. I realize Heidi is even dumber than I thought (if that is possible). She then tells Spencer she was literally crying for real. Spencer makes a comment about it probably being the first time she has cried on TV when it wasn't in the script. Am I the only one who heard that??? Wait, you weren't dumb enough to watch this shit were you?
Moving on, at the same moment Matt and I both realize Lou Diamond Phillips is there. Didn't he go down in a crash with the Big Bopper? Matt says. Ridiculous La Bamba joke, but thankfully it takes my mind off Speidi.
Until I realize the most disturbing thing of all. Heidi is a SERIOUS Jesus lover. I am all for loving Jesus. Really. I like the guy too. He was one of my people. But does Christianity really want Heidi as their new spokesperson? I can't believe how many times she said "please Jesus" in the first episodes. Wow. Equally disturbing, Spencer commented that he had never met someone who loved Jesus as much as his wife...and that she could make anything happen with a prayer to JC. He then brought up a heartwarming time when he told her that he dreamed of going on a double date with Miley Cyrus, Heidi prayed for it, and a month later...it happened. Please...Please tell me that Jesus has something better to do than listen to these two jackasses. (And by the way Spencer, I'm pretty sure you should thank your genius of an agent for that meeting with Miley and not Jesus!)
Needless to say, I gave up on the show. But not before I saw Stephen Baldwin baptize Spencer. STEPHEN BALDWIN. I'm pretty sure whoever your G-d is, G-d was laughing his ASS off in that moment. If you are counting on the guy from Bio-Dome to save you, you are screwed!
As I'm writing this, I feel myself getting dumber and dumber. I lost more brain cells watching this show than I did the entire week I was in Jamaica. I will wrap it up. Heidi and Spencer left again. Came back. Left again. And now the other "celebrities" are left to vote on whether or not they should be able to return. According to Heidi, they couldn't help leaving, because "the devil" made them. I'm NOT making that up. On Monday we find out what the celebrities have decided. But let me remind you...we don't have to watch!! Let's not allow Speidi to be the thing that makes the ratings for this show. I implore you America. Support the devil, and get these douchebags off TV!
Congratulations on joining facebook Oprah. I promise NOT to accept your friend request.
I love Tyra as much as the next gay man, but this is ridiculous.
I'm kind of enjoying the new slutty Alias.
People often ask me what it's like living in Hollywood. Well, sometimes things get crazy and you end up doing a shot with this guy...all grown up.
This whole situation is just sad to me.
Even though he is kind of an evil game-player, this guy is inspirational.
Please enjoy some of the best falls you have seen in a while.
(The video is a little long, because I just couldn't decide which fall was my favorite!!)
It makes me feel kind of dirty, but I can't stop watching this show.
But really, Taya? She is the worst. How did you manage to pick the skankiest girl that actually THINKS she is classy? A-O
I am SO not surprised you went out looking for college girls.
Maybe now TLC will stop glorifying families that have this many kids!
Or not.
Congratulations Pac-10 Champions!! I am SO proud of you!
And if you ever want to have Italian babies, I'm all yours.
The show is insane. But I think that is why it is kind of genius.
I am SO glad you have finally jumped the shark. Thank G-d!
But I hope to still see your drunk ass on TV.
I kind of wish Tracy was back on SNL.
I already miss ER:(
I am still distraught over this going off the market. (If you haven't tried one, run to your closest gas station ASAP!)
The recession doesn't seem to affect those damn girl scouts in any way.
How can I get in on those Girl Scout cookies?
P.S. Thanks Amy for introducing me to these. They are no thin mint, but they are delicious!
Okay, I like them, but this girl creeped me out.
I couldn't find any pictures of her, but how much do you hate that little shit who tells her mom she won't eat minced fish?
And speaking of annoying commercials, why are you doing commercials again? Ugh!
You know I'll always love you Chino, but I hope you've taken some acting classes since the OC.
Only in Ohio! I love my home state sometimes.
http://www.tmz.com/2009/03/31/creative-drunk-gets-dui-on-a-motorized-bar-stool/
When did my TV get so small that the scores and captions don't fit on my screen? I get it. I don't have a fancy HDTV. Why don't you just kick me when I'm down.
I knew this chick was psycho. But I admire her creativity in attacking someone with a cat. P.S. Make sure to notice her fiance's last name. Nothing makes me laugh more than rhyming names!
http://www.theinsider.com/news/1876224_Project_Runway_Season_5_Finalist_Kenley_Collins_Arrested
Isn't it performing 101 to make sure your mic is turned off if you are going to start talking about your vagina offstage?
This show is so awesomely addictive!
I eat sushi once a week. I'm still available Broadway. Unlike this douche.
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