The minute I set my Tivo to record, I felt dirty inside. Out to dinner for my birthday, I broached the subject with my boyfriend, Matt.
"So,um, I Tivoed I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here. But, it's probably going to be bad."
To which he replied; "Well, obviously you are thinking about it, so you are excited."
Shit. He knows me too well.
"But there aren't any celebrities on it that I really care about."
Then Matt speaks some wise words; "Come on. That show is all about having someone to hate."
And just as I start to say that I don't really hate anyone, Matt and I look at each other and say in unison, "Heidi and Spencer."
To be honest, I don't really know much about Heidi and Spencer, but what I know, I hate. Most of my information does come in the form of clips from Joel McHale, but Joel has never let me down before, so I trust his judgment. Before watching the show, here is what I know; they are on a fake show called the Hills, that stars a bunch of really dumb chicks, has an ongoing feud with Heidi and Lauren, and EVERYONE hates the creepy flesh-colored bearded guy Spencer (did I mention he wants to adopt an African child one day and name him Dunk because he knows he will be good at basketball?) I'll stop right there.
So I begin to watch the first episode, and immediately I think to myself, who came up with this cast? It is totally bizarre. I'm not sure which is more random; Frangela or Rob Blagojevich's wife. I actually kind of know Frances(of Frangela)and I immediately feel bad as she falls in the creek. Girl, who tricked you into this shit? No agent could ever talk my ass into hiking on TV. Or camping.
And speaking of tricking, Janice Dickinson has already tricked John Salley into carrying her bag. For a second I kind of like Janice again. The woman has balls. Then I remember her completely lame meltdown about plus size models on her Oxygen show this year. Come on . Have you looked at yourself lately? Listen Skeletor, you probably shouldn't be judging other people's looks anymore. But I digress.
Everyone shows up at camp and immediately I am scared by Heidi and Spencer. First of all, no one should use the words "my wife" that much. It is creepy and all wrong. Spencer acts like he OWNS Heidi. They are both trying to assess where they are going to sleep. Speidi is horrified by the campsite (Heidi says she can't go this long without sex but let's be honest, the Hills doesn't usually put that in the script anyway) and immediately they have a meltdown.
Now I have to be honest, they had so many meltdowns, I had a REALLY hard time keeping them straight. But here is a summary. At one point they fake leave camp and everyone decides to jack their supplies. Angela (part of Frangela) takes Heidi's dry shampoo and Sanjaya (looking creepy and a little reminiscent of the lead singer of the Fine Young Cannibals with an odd shaved head/slight Mohawk) tries to steal their bed. Angela pulls the labels off Heidi's dry shampoo. As Speidi comes skipping back into camp, they blow a gasket mostly over the labels. Really? Heidi cries and Spencer almost punches Angela. He says he spent a whole day making those. I realize Heidi is even dumber than I thought (if that is possible). She then tells Spencer she was literally crying for real. Spencer makes a comment about it probably being the first time she has cried on TV when it wasn't in the script. Am I the only one who heard that??? Wait, you weren't dumb enough to watch this shit were you?
Moving on, at the same moment Matt and I both realize Lou Diamond Phillips is there. Didn't he go down in a crash with the Big Bopper? Matt says. Ridiculous La Bamba joke, but thankfully it takes my mind off Speidi.
Until I realize the most disturbing thing of all. Heidi is a SERIOUS Jesus lover. I am all for loving Jesus. Really. I like the guy too. He was one of my people. But does Christianity really want Heidi as their new spokesperson? I can't believe how many times she said "please Jesus" in the first episodes. Wow. Equally disturbing, Spencer commented that he had never met someone who loved Jesus as much as his wife...and that she could make anything happen with a prayer to JC. He then brought up a heartwarming time when he told her that he dreamed of going on a double date with Miley Cyrus, Heidi prayed for it, and a month later...it happened. Please...Please tell me that Jesus has something better to do than listen to these two jackasses. (And by the way Spencer, I'm pretty sure you should thank your genius of an agent for that meeting with Miley and not Jesus!)
Needless to say, I gave up on the show. But not before I saw Stephen Baldwin baptize Spencer. STEPHEN BALDWIN. I'm pretty sure whoever your G-d is, G-d was laughing his ASS off in that moment. If you are counting on the guy from Bio-Dome to save you, you are screwed!
As I'm writing this, I feel myself getting dumber and dumber. I lost more brain cells watching this show than I did the entire week I was in Jamaica. I will wrap it up. Heidi and Spencer left again. Came back. Left again. And now the other "celebrities" are left to vote on whether or not they should be able to return. According to Heidi, they couldn't help leaving, because "the devil" made them. I'm NOT making that up. On Monday we find out what the celebrities have decided. But let me remind you...we don't have to watch!! Let's not allow Speidi to be the thing that makes the ratings for this show. I implore you America. Support the devil, and get these douchebags off TV!
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