Still Unemployed, Still Watching Too Much TV

If she hadn’t already had a level 10 meltdown (AND invited all her fans to come and stay in her guest room on my all-time favorite episode of Cribs), Mariah Carey 's marriage to Nick Cannon would have shocked me.







Worried that you won't be able to stand out on the millionth season of the Real World?? Here are some ways you will go down in Real World history!! ( You must be so proud!!)



1) As a southern white girl, get very offended when your African American roommate gets in your face a little and tell your roommate:

“I don’t care if you’re from the most inner city…Blackville…you don’t act like that”

(I swear, she literally says "Blackville.")





2) Overdose on alcohol and use the word "bro" to the point that you have to enter rehab during week one of the "Real World."






Just when I think I am capable of pretending that you (and the rest of your "reality" show) don’t exist, you announce you want to adopt an African child and name him “Dunk” because you know he will be good at basketball. Seriously?






May sweeps really aren’t as fun when the Rules of Engagement is the only show with new episodes.






Meredith Grey is a train wreck I simply don’t want to associate with anymore.



Nice guys always marry bossy girls.


Americans would love a sweet, confused closet homosexual to be their next Idol.

(Not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm just saying..he is clearly a friend of Seacrest.)




Women’s Murder Club makes me want to kill someone.




If I borrowed Ashton Kutcher’s camera, I would take a picture of my ass.


(While I am extremely dedicated to my blog, I am not taking a picture of my ass for you. This is just a funny ass I found online.)



Is there any way to add your first grade boyfriend on Facebook without seeming creepy?



Robin Williams seriously needs a drink.





In LA, Souplantation is a bulimic’s special treat. In Ohio, Souplantation* is just another Friday night. *Technically, in my town it is called Ponderosa.





I can’t believe I am saying this…but I kind of love Martha Stewart.



If I moved to Vegas, I would literally be dead after 48 hours.

I might have a drinking problem.

When you are 30 and you have a hangover, you can finally admit to yourself that Pepto Bismol really helps.



When you are unemployed, you still aren’t going to read any books.


Holding a grudge will probably pay off in the end.


My main addiction is cheese. A close second, Jack Daniels.




Bill Cosby got REALLY grumpy.




When you nap all day, that isn’t “resting”, that’s just being lazy.



My personal sneezing record is 32 times in a row.


**not my sexiest moment and not 32 times, but still pretty impressive!


P. Diddy now fancies himself an actor. Acting like an asshole isn’t going to get you an Oscar.





Mary Louise Parker makes drug dealing seem really scary and kind of hot at the same time.




Sex and the City is either going to be the best movie ever or the worst movie ever. I am inclined to bet on the latter.




Despite what you tell yourself, most people don’t recognize former Jeopardy champions at the mall.

(Back row, 3rd from the right. I saw him at The Grove. And as he walked away, I got confirmation because he was carrying a Jeopardy bag.)


Your career must be on fire if you are performing at Rocket Video on a Saturday night.


When I am drunk, I can speak fluent Spanish. Es la verdad.


Life doesn’t get any better than college. There. I said it.





I am the only person in LA without a t-shirt line.


Knowing Shakespeare is one thing.
Constantly quoting Shakespeare means you are a douche bag.




The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake is everything that is wrong with this world. The original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is everything that is right.




I’m not good at sports, but I think I could win a national title in texting.


I literally don’t have a taco or pizza slice eating limit.


Diane Keaton needs to calm down with the gloves in summer.



Ellen DeGeneres jumped the dog (Iggy) last year.



No matter how hard you try, you are never going to be able to convince your friends that a Batman Alternate Reality Game is cool.



I LOVE it when Tyra gets ghetto.



Gary Coleman dressing up as Mr. T is one of the best sitcom moments ever.



Tori Spelling almost loves the gays more than me.


Amy Winehouse makes me feel better about myself.



Vincent D'Onofrio is the new Columbo, only this Columbo I'm oddly attracted to.



I don’t want to give anything away, but the special guest star/famous person is always the murderer.


I don't care what anyone says, Matt Riddle is a badass.


When I grow up, I want to be Amy Sedaris.



Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I am a lot more like Jerri Blank.




I wish vegetables tasted like Flinstones vitamins. Then I would actually want to eat them.



I seriously might be addicted to America’s Next Top Model. I can’t stop. Someone. Anyone. Help.


What we call a “sprinkle” in Ohio, is a “Stormwatch” in LA.


In case you don't know how ridiculous LA is, here is our meteorologist, Dallas Raines.




Dr. Phil is a jackass.



If you cheat on your boyfriend on a reality show, um.. he is actually going to find out when the show airs.


Nothing good ever comes from a reunion show.


I feel a lot more empty inside without Jack Bauer than without a job.

Things We All Can Learn From My Unemployment

My “natural” wakeup alarm goes off at around 1 PM.

The UPS man is less judgmental about you being in your pajamas at 5 PM than your boyfriend.

Bret Michaels has a LOT of wisdom to pass on. In particular, gigantic boobs can be very distracting but if your face looks like Joan Rivers at age 25, he may not want facetime.



When Danny Bonaduce is judging whether or not your kid is going to be a big star, Welcome to Hollywood. Your life is about to be in the shitter.




As long as Stefano Dimera is maniacally targeting the Bradys,
Days of Our Lives is still the best show on
TV.



That guy on The Soup is funny and kind of secretly hot.



Fifteen and Pregnant is Kirsten Dunst’s best work to date.




Getting drunk and eating cheddar cheese isn’t going to help you convince your doctor that being unemployed isn’t hurting your cholesterol.


If you forget to mention and claim that $500 you earned in comedy last year, the unemployment office will come to the obvious conclusion that you MUST be someone trying to steal the illustrious career of Lisa Gopman.

You can get a deal on a YMCA membership if you are unemployed, but you actually have to make yourself go to the YMCA to get the deal.

When you skip around town talking about how good unemployment is, you make your telemarketing boyfriend have the urge to kill.


When you brag about unemployment at Lenscrafters, your optometrist might confide in you that she is really a musician and that you have just convinced her to quit tomorrow.

Without even trying, you can spend a full “work” day on myspace finding out what all your old “buddies” from high school are doing now.

You might find that a lot of those former classmates seem to be married women who love NASCAR. Hmmmm ?



Obsessively stalking travel sites for deals, doesn’t mean you can tell people you traveled the world with your time off.

There are a lot of REALLY dumb girls on TV who can’t figure out why they are still single.

Saturday Night Live sucks now because Tina Fey isn’t the head writer.



Ashley Simpson managed to involve herself with someone equally untalented and uninteresting.



Oprah is so NOT G-d. In fact, she is pretty f***ing needy.

Gayle knows a good vajajay when she figures out
how to live off of it.




They don’t make game shows like the original
What’s My Line? anymore.






Doritos Collisions are a gift from G-d.



Despite Bravo’s best efforts, the word fierce does get old after the hundredth time.






Star Jones’
divorce has renewed my faith in humanity. Seriously. It has.




When you hit 30, you really do start to appreciate wine. Or else you just feel weird when you are the only one arriving at the party with a large bottle of Jack Daniels.

Legalize it.


Bob Marley can make a grown man cry.
Especially at 4 in the morning.



Purim is the coolest Jewish holiday. You are supposed to dress up like one of the characters in the holiday story and then get so drunk that you can’t remember who you dressed up as.





Jesus wouldn’t want you to judge so much. How about if you learn your lessons and I learn more? Oops. I mean mine.


Girls, you don‘t have to end up with assholes like Ray Pruit. There are better options out there.
Don’t settle.

If you are a “metro” in LA, you are a “homo” in NY.


Scientologists don’t like it when you give
them back the stare.


When you date someone for 7 years, you get a LOT of shit at weddings and usually have to black out drink to deal.

I might have 2 personalities.

Even though it is great they are environmentally responsible, a lot of assholes drive hybrids.

There is a reason I never saw Coyote Ugly until I was unemployed.



There are a lot of hack comedians that
work constantly.




Jay Leno is embarrassing.



It doesn’t make you feel good about yourself when you are
too drunk to get through an entire episode of Celebrity Rehab.




If you suck but your parents are famous, you are Gwyneth Paltrow. If you suck as a musician and your parents are famous, you are on Rock the Cradle.




It’s probably better if we don’t find out the secret talents of celebrities.


Sometimes, even you don’t know whether you are a Cylon or not.




Hulk Hogan is kind of a pig.




Just because you take a great picture, you aren’t necessarily right to be America’s Next Top Model.


Matzah does not fill you up.

Some days, don’t you kind of want to settle down with Dwight on his beet farm?




If you want to be a professional slut, make as many internet “friends” as you can, convince people that you love boys AND girls, and convince MTV that playing your dating show 10 times a day will make the world a better place.




Some days, you will feel more productive sending five cat pictures to your boyfriend than sending five resumes to AOL CareerBuilder.

(My cat is helping me pick a good headshot)

written (with love:) by Lisa Gopman