Gopman's Gossip

I Might Have a Hoarding Problem or a TV Addiction:)

2010-11-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

How f***in crazy are these two?

But didn't you kind of always know he was going to turn into Cousin Eddie?

How did I start liking her?

And why can I relate to like every one of her songs? Am I 17?

Just when I thought I couldn't love this guy anymore...

He had my nemesis kicked out of his movie.

And this show, has actually gotten pretty hilarious.

Congrats. It takes a lot to make me hate a hippy.

This guy broke my heart a little bit.

And this guy, tugs at my heart more than most. You were robbed.

Go Orthodox Jew! Make my people(and other curvy girls) proud!

And I always root for an awkward chick.

These kids have the life! I can't believe this season is in Prague!

These are two of the most responsible kids I've ever met. I'm literally inspired by them.

You on the other hand. I don't know where to start. You are SUCH a trainwreck.

This show is kind of fun.

And you are kind of hot.

Thankfully you distract me from this guy's fat neck.

I know I'm supposed to laugh, but I'm starting to freak out about what a bad mom you are.

But after that hot sex scene with Zack Morris, I totally forgive you!

You continue to be one of the best shows on TV.

I literally have nightmares about this commercial. It is so disturbing when the side of his head is almost shaved off.

If real dating life was like this, we'd all be in trouble!

(But I'm totally addicted to this show!)

Just so everyone knows, I'm never going to get so excited at work that I high five someone.

Wait, you still have papers from when you were in 3rd grade, right?

Okay fine, I guess I might be a hoarder.

( Don't worry, this isn't really my room:)

I just watched this movie, and wow, Peter Jackson, you should stick to hobbits.

You are no Lost, that's for sure.

But seeing your face makes me miss your genius dad:(

And he would be so proud!

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Buehrer!

From the Archives...

2010-10-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

**So...for those of you that don't know, I've spent the last few months traveling the world. This is a blog from the vault that I didn't quite get published before I left. Hopefully you will enjoy this oldie but goody:)

I'm not proud, but I'm probably going to end up seeing this when it comes out on DVD.

But it makes me sad, you are no Farley. And you never will be.

And Farley might have done Beverly Hills Ninja, but he never would have done this crap.

On a side note, is it possible to OD on peaches?

I feel so sorry for this guy. He never had it easy, did he?

This guy is either insane or a genius. I'm betting on genius.

I remember how judgmental you were on Celebrity Apprentice. Really? YOU are trying to judge people?

I was forced to watch this on a plane. It was even worse than I thought.

What is wrong with this girl?

I'm so thankful this show is on right now. How did this happen? I thought I hated vampires.

Except for this guy.

Do you REALLY think the show could survive without you?

Wow. I thought they had already cast every type of psycho on the Real World. I didn't know about you.

If you don't know about this guy, you're an idiot.

And honestly, I kind of love this chick. I feel like her song has been playing in my head my whole life.

This show is FASCINATING. And it makes me feel better about my tchotchkes.

I'm not proud. But I've found myself watching shows like this.

Can you imagine how much pepto bismol this guy needs?

It makes me happy that the word foodie has replaced the word fatty.

This movie looks AMAZING.

But my dad wants to sue because he says he started a "schmucks club" in college.
True Story.

If you are on this guy's team, I have news for you socially awkward chubby girl.
Welcome to your first moment as a "fruit fly."

I love this guy's confidence.

Karma.

You are the hottest couple ever.

Why? Why must this be your commercial?

Best storyline ever: Respected cop by day. Starts taking Ambien at night to sleep. Starts mugging people at the pier while "awake" on Ambien.

You suck.
.

All the Single Ladies...

2010-04-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

This is the best stupid show I've seen in a long-time. It makes me laugh a lot.

(Go ahead and record it. You are welcome:)

I kind of miss the days of stupid shows.

.

In case you ever had any doubt, I'm SO Team Coco.

And Team Wes.

And Team Liddell (can you believe I'm a girl and I watch this?)

Why has Beyonce never rhymed her name with fiance? It's so OBVIOUS.

Have you ever had these? They might be the best thing that happened to me in 2009.

I think I'm getting old. I've been flossing my teeth almost every day. Even when I get home all drunk at night. When did I turn into that person?

Come on America. I know we want to see her fall, but let's not encourage her. I'm begging you.

STOP HAVING BABIES. This isn't some kind of contest. And if you need it to be, you win. Now stop!!

If you want to see two insane people go batshit crazy on each other-Go ahead Mike Starr...

Tom Sizemore dares you to say dopesick one more time!

Damn you Sex and the City movie. The last one made me so angry. But then you had this guy in the preview.

It's hard to motivate yourself to climb the ladder at work when your boss is homeless.

No this isn't my boss but a)she is homeless and b) isn't this picture kind of amazing?)

I know you are going to think I'm crazy-but the new Melrose kind of has its moments.

FYI- I LOVE this guy. And if you don't, child please.

We all have our moments (and believe me, I had a ton in college) but I never fell into a cactus.

Or left a party with a mysterious white powder on my shoes.

(thanks KM for reminding me that I can't let such moments slide by without a blog mention:)

Steven Seagal, you continue to frighten and captivate me.

(One of the CREEPIEST pictures ever)

I finally got an HDTV. Now there is no reason to leave the house.

You still look amazing in HD by the way.

You -not so much.

For any of you that told me a Time Warner DVR
is the same as a Tivo, I feel sorry for you.

I feel like you might also think that Jay Leno is the best comedy out there.

But in your defense, you must not know any better.

I don't need there to be official charges filed to know this guy is a scumbag. And your mullet! Wow, you are really owning it.

Cyndi Lauper is amazing. She's everything eccentric and insane that I hoped she would be.

And somehow, this guy always wins me over.

They say everything I want to say.

I really hate ripping on one of my all-time favorite shows, but seriously, how lame are Pam and Jim now? It's kind of heartbreaking.

But nothing could be as lame as this piece of crap. Nice job Seinfeld. Way to prove NBC could get even shittier.

This is an LA craze I can actually get behind.

I wish I was a rich, famous celebrity so I could go on this show. It's so rad.

This blog is happening in the middle of the night because of 5 calimochos. Trust me, they are delicious.

Please stop getting the Potty Dance song stuck in my head. I don't have kids, so it just ends up being really creepy.

By the way, for those of you that haven't heard, I'm officially engaged!! Yayyy!

Lessons I Learned While Sick and High on Robitussin

2009-08-19T17:31:00.000-07:00

Don't try it. No matter how congested you are, even snot can't block the smell of that first alcohol you got drunk on. You know, the one you haven't even been able to look at for 15 years.

(Yep, I threw up 17 times the one and only time that me and Citron met)

Going a whole month without kissing your boyfriend so he won't get sick will really get to you.

Plus you will make lots of silly Pretty Woman "I don't kiss on the mouth" jokes.

You can tell I'm sick if I turn down cheese or alcohol.

There was a cheese plate in my fridge for 2 days. Completely unheard of.

Just when Ashton Kutcher couldn't be any douchier. He started rolling his pants.

Roseanne is one of the greatest shows in history with one of the greatest casts in history.

Your lips get really chapped when you have to walk around town with your mouth open to breathe.

One of the greatest gifts I've given myself was NOT watching Seinfeld back in the day. It's like I have a brand new awesome comedy, 7 days a week.

I can finally admit it, Seinfeld IS pretty funny.

But Curb is SO much funnier.

.

And for the record, sometimes I relate a little TOO much to Larry David/George Constanza.

Campbell's chicken noodle soup doesn't get old.

Why is everyone trying to get me to sell back my old gold for cash?

America loves a trainwreck. A lot.

This movie makes me want to go on a killing spree.

.

It is literally everything I hate about standup comedy. Hack comics trying to be hilarious for their knucklehead friends.

AAAAH! Can everyone stop saying apps?

Seriously, why do I love you so much?

Yes. Most of us do want more comedy. But this guy doesn't equal comedy.

(Even this picture is hacky!)

So now you are SyFy? Really?
Somehow you've managed to become even more nerdy.

I'm desperate for summer TV. For some reason I've been watching this random show.

I hate vegetables but sometimes I REALLY crave this. I feel like it might have crack in it or something.

Words can't describe how much you irritate me. But you took it to the next level when you said on Conan that your son thinks all black singers are "Uncle Jay." Or Jay Z to the rest of us. Puke.

This show is SO lame without Jerry.

Plus I can't look at you without thinking you must have mommy issues.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kind of want this vampire to bite me. Weird, right?

When you can't breathe through your nose, it doesn't matter if you don't shower for a few days. You won't be able to smell anything.

Maybe you should have spent a little less time focusing on this...

And a little more time focusing on the fact that your son became a SERIOUS drug dealer right under your nose. No pun intended:)

Nope. I still don't like pickles.

I'm a Celebrity...Jesus, Get Me Out of Here!!

2009-06-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

The minute I set my Tivo to record, I felt dirty inside. Out to dinner for my birthday, I broached the subject with my boyfriend, Matt.

"So,um, I Tivoed I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here. But, it's probably going to be bad."

To which he replied; "Well, obviously you are thinking about it, so you are excited."
Shit. He knows me too well.

"But there aren't any celebrities on it that I really care about."

Then Matt speaks some wise words; "Come on. That show is all about having someone to hate."

And just as I start to say that I don't really hate anyone, Matt and I look at each other and say in unison, "Heidi and Spencer."

To be honest, I don't really know much about Heidi and Spencer, but what I know, I hate. Most of my information does come in the form of clips from Joel McHale, but Joel has never let me down before, so I trust his judgment. Before watching the show, here is what I know; they are on a fake show called the Hills, that stars a bunch of really dumb chicks, has an ongoing feud with Heidi and Lauren, and EVERYONE hates the creepy flesh-colored bearded guy Spencer (did I mention he wants to adopt an African child one day and name him Dunk because he knows he will be good at basketball?) I'll stop right there.

So I begin to watch the first episode, and immediately I think to myself, who came up with this cast? It is totally bizarre. I'm not sure which is more random; Frangela or Rob Blagojevich's wife. I actually kind of know Frances(of Frangela)and I immediately feel bad as she falls in the creek. Girl, who tricked you into this shit? No agent could ever talk my ass into hiking on TV. Or camping.

And speaking of tricking, Janice Dickinson has already tricked John Salley into carrying her bag. For a second I kind of like Janice again. The woman has balls. Then I remember her completely lame meltdown about plus size models on her Oxygen show this year. Come on . Have you looked at yourself lately? Listen Skeletor, you probably shouldn't be judging other people's looks anymore. But I digress.

Everyone shows up at camp and immediately I am scared by Heidi and Spencer. First of all, no one should use the words "my wife" that much. It is creepy and all wrong. Spencer acts like he OWNS Heidi. They are both trying to assess where they are going to sleep. Speidi is horrified by the campsite (Heidi says she can't go this long without sex but let's be honest, the Hills doesn't usually put that in the script anyway) and immediately they have a meltdown.

Now I have to be honest, they had so many meltdowns, I had a REALLY hard time keeping them straight. But here is a summary. At one point they fake leave camp and everyone decides to jack their supplies. Angela (part of Frangela) takes Heidi's dry shampoo and Sanjaya (looking creepy and a little reminiscent of the lead singer of the Fine Young Cannibals with an odd shaved head/slight Mohawk) tries to steal their bed. Angela pulls the labels off Heidi's dry shampoo. As Speidi comes skipping back into camp, they blow a gasket mostly over the labels. Really? Heidi cries and Spencer almost punches Angela. He says he spent a whole day making those. I realize Heidi is even dumber than I thought (if that is possible). She then tells Spencer she was literally crying for real. Spencer makes a comment about it probably being the first time she has cried on TV when it wasn't in the script. Am I the only one who heard that??? Wait, you weren't dumb enough to watch this shit were you?

Moving on, at the same moment Matt and I both realize Lou Diamond Phillips is there. Didn't he go down in a crash with the Big Bopper? Matt says. Ridiculous La Bamba joke, but thankfully it takes my mind off Speidi.

Until I realize the most disturbing thing of all. Heidi is a SERIOUS Jesus lover. I am all for loving Jesus. Really. I like the guy too. He was one of my people. But does Christianity really want Heidi as their new spokesperson? I can't believe how many times she said "please Jesus" in the first episodes. Wow. Equally disturbing, Spencer commented that he had never met someone who loved Jesus as much as his wife...and that she could make anything happen with a prayer to JC. He then brought up a heartwarming time when he told her that he dreamed of going on a double date with Miley Cyrus, Heidi prayed for it, and a month later...it happened. Please...Please tell me that Jesus has something better to do than listen to these two jackasses. (And by the way Spencer, I'm pretty sure you should thank your genius of an agent for that meeting with Miley and not Jesus!)

Needless to say, I gave up on the show. But not before I saw Stephen Baldwin baptize Spencer. STEPHEN BALDWIN. I'm pretty sure whoever your G-d is, G-d was laughing his ASS off in that moment. If you are counting on the guy from Bio-Dome to save you, you are screwed!

As I'm writing this, I feel myself getting dumber and dumber. I lost more brain cells watching this show than I did the entire week I was in Jamaica. I will wrap it up. Heidi and Spencer left again. Came back. Left again. And now the other "celebrities" are left to vote on whether or not they should be able to return. According to Heidi, they couldn't help leaving, because "the devil" made them. I'm NOT making that up. On Monday we find out what the celebrities have decided. But let me remind you...we don't have to watch!! Let's not allow Speidi to be the thing that makes the ratings for this show. I implore you America. Support the devil, and get these douchebags off TV!

I'm Back! And I Missed You Blog:)

2009-04-16T13:31:00.000-07:00

Congratulations on joining facebook Oprah. I promise NOT to accept your friend request.

I love Tyra as much as the next gay man, but this is ridiculous.

I'm kind of enjoying the new slutty Alias.

People often ask me what it's like living in Hollywood. Well, sometimes things get crazy and you end up doing a shot with this guy...all grown up.

This whole situation is just sad to me.

Even though he is kind of an evil game-player, this guy is inspirational.

Please enjoy some of the best falls you have seen in a while.

(The video is a little long, because I just couldn't decide which fall was my favorite!!)

It makes me feel kind of dirty, but I can't stop watching this show.

But really, Taya? She is the worst. How did you manage to pick the skankiest girl that actually THINKS she is classy? A-O

I am SO not surprised you went out looking for college girls.

Maybe now TLC will stop glorifying families that have this many kids!

Or not.

Congratulations Pac-10 Champions!! I am SO proud of you!

And if you ever want to have Italian babies, I'm all yours.

The show is insane. But I think that is why it is kind of genius.

I am SO glad you have finally jumped the shark. Thank G-d!

But I hope to still see your drunk ass on TV.

I kind of wish Tracy was back on SNL.

I already miss ER:(

I am still distraught over this going off the market. (If you haven't tried one, run to your closest gas station ASAP!)

The recession doesn't seem to affect those damn girl scouts in any way.
How can I get in on those Girl Scout cookies?

P.S. Thanks Amy for introducing me to these. They are no thin mint, but they are delicious!

Okay, I like them, but this girl creeped me out.

I couldn't find any pictures of her, but how much do you hate that little shit who tells her mom she won't eat minced fish?

And speaking of annoying commercials, why are you doing commercials again? Ugh!

You know I'll always love you Chino, but I hope you've taken some acting classes since the OC.

Only in Ohio! I love my home state sometimes.
http://www.tmz.com/2009/03/31/creative-drunk-gets-dui-on-a-motorized-bar-stool/

When did my TV get so small that the scores and captions don't fit on my screen? I get it. I don't have a fancy HDTV. Why don't you just kick me when I'm down.

I knew this chick was psycho. But I admire her creativity in attacking someone with a cat. P.S. Make sure to notice her fiance's last name. Nothing makes me laugh more than rhyming names!
http://www.theinsider.com/news/1876224_Project_Runway_Season_5_Finalist_Kenley_Collins_Arrested

Isn't it performing 101 to make sure your mic is turned off if you are going to start talking about your vagina offstage?

This show is so awesomely addictive!

I eat sushi once a week. I'm still available Broadway. Unlike this douche.

Some Reflections on 2009

2009-01-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I long for the days when I needed a Trapper Keeper.

I am so happy that I have no clue who Dr. Oz is.

I'm not sure anyone's dream job just appears. If you really want it, you are probably going to have to chase it down.

Things are pretty grim. It might be time for another Hands Across America.

But then I found this picture. AAAAHHHHHHHH!

New Year's Resolutions are bullshit.

Unless your resolution is to eat, drink, and be merry.

The BCS is ridiculous. Even I get that, and I'm a girl!

Holy shit!! Is that Ray Pruitt on Confessions of a Teen Idol??

And how can Eric Nies be that old? (And insane!)

And Billy Hufsey?? You need to run to your Tivo.

But why aren't there any women on this show? Oh yeah, they would never have a second chance if they were this old!

Conan, I am counting down the days until you are in LA. Don't be creeped out, but I FULLY plan on stalking you.

People who hate New Year's Eve, aren't doing it right.

I hate the words pus, phlegm, mucus, and turkey medallions.

An amazing word; Giggle.

Do you remember these cookies? They kicked ass.

Unemployment can be really stressful, but if you find yourself unemployed, maybe you should evaluate what you really want to do. Now is your chance to change it up!

My cat got so chatty when I came home from a 2 week trip back east, that he meowed until he lost his voice. How hilarious is that?

Can we just stop it with the dance shows already?

Unless you are going to make a dance show like they had in Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Because Dance TV seemed AMAZING!!

I hate it that IPODs are the standard. Because no one thinks you are cool when you ask if they need you to bring your Creative Zen to the party:(

I don't care what you think. Dave Matthews is sexy.

Tip #1 about your new show:

STOP SAYING "THIS IS HOWIE DO IT!!!!! "

Tip #2-Be More Funny.

You never notice how awesome it is to breathe through your nose until you have a cold and you can't!

I heard your brother stole a bunch of your money. Wow. That must have been so weird. You don't know anything about stealing anything, like, um, other people's jokes!

Good for you MTV. It's about time you had a transgendered person on The Real World.

But this doesn't make me forget about the hundreds of douchebags you have had on the show in the last 21 years.

If your man thinks he should be a contender for "Mr. Awesome", I really don't think Tool Academy is going to fix him.

HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD, ARNIE!! ( You don't look a day over 29!)

(Check out his kick-ass cake!)

Last Blog of 2008

2008-12-19T02:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't even seen the movie...but something tells me Jake the Snake is going to sue over The Wrestler. .

As much as I love Jake the Snake, part of me wishes The Wrestler was inspired by Junkyard Dog
or George the Animal Steele!

It's kind of annoying that there aren't any blatantly anorexic stars right now. It really leaves me with no anorexia references for jokes.

And for some reason, it still seems wrong to make Karen Carpenter jokes.

I don't mean to be bitchy, but as a general rule, unless you are like, Steve Martin, don't give me comedy notes.

I think it is funny when people say that because of the recession they are scaling back. And then they buy a new car.

Face it Oprah, you are always going to be fat.
And if you could just get past it...I would maybe not hate your guts.

I am sad, because I feel like My Own Worst Enemy and Eli Stone just keep getting better and better. But it is too late:(

I don't care what anyone says, even if Yes Man sucks, Ace Ventura will ALWAYS be a classic in my book.

Remember when this chick was in every movie? What happened to her?

P.S. For a second, Chunk was going to be my "entertainment lawyer." I swear! I try not to brag about celebrity moments, but I wanted to yell that shit from the rooftops.

Even though I've dressed up as you for Halloween, I've always had your back Britney.

True Life might be MTV's most addictive show. Have you ever seen the one where the girl's parents are clowns? Classic!

Or the one with the creepy Persian twin magicians?

ALL guacamole should be made without cilantro.

What does Carmen Electra do? No seriously. What is her job?

Ask yourself, when was the last time you saw a funny female comic on a nightime talk show? Now write your nightime talk show and tell them it should be me!! ( According to my dad, this is all I need to do to get on Letterman:)

I don't know when it happened...but suddenly, bowties aren't funny anymore.

(But a bowtie on a cat...for some reason...still hilarious!)

If you think life has been a little stale lately, triple-dog-dare someone to do something. It really spices things up!

Whenever I watch Conan and people talk about their "awful day jobs," none of them even seem half as bad as my last day job.

This is what I wore my last day at my old job. Because let's face it, I always have to have the final word:)

One of my best day jobs, was when I worked in a photo lab. Why? Because of Mr. Douglas, the man who dropped off his pictures weekly and was in a nudist colony. You haven't lived until you've seen pictures of a nudist barbecue or better yet, a nudist wedding.

(Sorry, but I obviously never stole any of Mr. Douglas's pictures. This picture however, was readily available on the internet).

Minor Blog Glitch

2008-12-12T15:35:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!

I have just discovered a glitch in my blog:( Unfortunately, if you open my blog with internet explorer, it is showing up crazy (and only half of some of the postings are there!)!! I am working on fixing this, but as many of you know, I am no member of the Geek Squad. So if you can, open it with Firefox and the blog is as it should be! Thanks for your support!

Lisa

P.S. This blog seemed way too serious, so I thought you might enjoy a truly insane picture!

One Of My Favorite Clips Ever, and What Goes Around Comes Around...

2008-12-10T01:37:00.000-08:00

Every day of my life, I have thought about how uncoordinated I am. And then I saw this guy.

And by the way, I can't believe we haven't dated.

I wanted to hate this chick for winning it all. But then I realized her name was Starr Spangler. And I laughed.

Some Kind of Wonderful is still a REALLY good movie.

It's not weird that I've always related the most to the butch- drummer girl, right?

Wow. You really blew it.

I'm definitely getting older. Lately I've been having two-day hangovers. SO lame.

Hmmmm....I wonder how Jesus would feel about this story:

Judge orders Mel Gibson deposed in lawsuit

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Gregory Alarcon on Tuesday ordered Gibson to appear for a deposition by mid-January. Gibson's attorneys had tried to keep him from having to answer questions regarding his blockbuster film about Jesus' last hours.

Screenwriter Benedict Fitzgerald is suing Gibson, claiming he was underpaid for his work on "Passion."

Fitzgerald's attorneys claimed Tuesday that his payments were eroded by Gibson's spending habits while filming the movie in Italy, including "tens of thousands" of dollars on his children's education and a $78,000 chiropractor bill.

If you love American Dad....you don't get it.

The way the entertainment industry is dealing with the recession is officially pissing me off. ABC cancels Eli Stone, Pushing Daisies, and Dirty Sexy Money, yet America's Funniest Home Videos gets renewed for the 19th season. Seriously???

I've been hearing the rumors that you two are back together. Let me just state for the record....you are my all time favorite trainwreck couple. PLEASE GET BACK TOGETHER!!

As someone who was threatened by these jackasses on bikes daily, it was just a matter of time until this happened;

Sword-Wielder Killed At Scientology Center

Security Guard Shoots Man Waving Pair Of Samurai Swords At Hollywood Building, LAPD Says

(AP) Police said a man who waved a pair of Samurai swords on the grounds of a Hollywood Scientology building had a "previous relationship" to the church, but released little other information about the man shot and killed by a security guard.

The unidentified man, described as being in his 40s, approached three guards Sunday in the parking lot of the Scientology Celebrity Centre, Los Angeles Police Deputy Chief Terry S. Hara said.

The man was "close enough to hurt them" when one of the guards shot him, Hara said, and after questioning the guards and looking at surveillance tape decided the shooting was justified.

"The evidence itself, it's very, very clear," Hara said. "The security officers were defending their safety."

Police said the tape showed the man appearing at about noon in a red convertible, then approaching the guards with a sword in each hand before he was shot, Hara said.

The man was later pronounced dead at Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center.

Detective Wendi Berndt told the Los Angeles Times the man had been involved with the church in the past.

"There was a previous relationship, but it is unclear to what degree," Berndt said.

Calls to Scientology spokespeople on Sunday were not returned.

There is something so perfect about all the rich kids' names in 80's movies. I mean, they just don't make characters like Blaine and Harley and Steff anymore.

And they don't make guys like Jake Ryan anymore either:(

If I ever use the word "momtourage" or "bromance", please fucking kill me.

I am also very excited for 2009 and “Change.” Like, maybe making some money for a change.

Sometimes I think wine is the most dangerous drink. Because once you open a bottle, don't you feel kind of bad not finishing it off?

Meet one of the most peaceful, sensitive men I have seen on TV in some time. You might recognize his name.

(Rodney King)

The last thing someone without a job needs is a blackberry. But it was hot pink....and ummm....a couple of times I have looked for jobs on it:)

Just when I thought I couldn't hate this little shit

any more....they announce he is re-making the Karate Kid!

Mr. Miyagi

is definitely rolling over in his grave:(

Is there anything better than Thanksgiving dinner served on a beer pong table? (And of course, followed by a beer pong tournament and a dance party?)

(special thanks to Grig and Anne for getting me a beer pong table for my b-day last year!)

I Never Thought I Would Post a Sports Clip...Until I Saw This!

2008-12-05T18:48:00.000-08:00

I couldn't resist posting this video. It honestly made me proud of my alma mater. There are a few things I would like you to consider before viewing;

1) Blake Griffin( # 23 in the white uniform) is a douchebag. He is one of those guys who is always pretending to get knocked down in the hopes of getting an offensive foul called on the other team. Plus, he wanted to be number 23 so bad, he asked an Oklahoma legend who lost his leg to cancer to unretire his jersey so he could be #23. DOUCHEBAG.
2) USC might be a private school, but don't forget, we are located in South Central baby!
3) The second time you watch the clip, watch Washington's left hand VERY closely.
4) How insane is Griffin's mom?
5) Overall, disregard what the announcers are saying. They are just jealous, because they secretly dream of being a thug.
6) Leonard Washington(#4) might be my new favorite Trojan!

Is It Just Me or Is There a Lot of Crazy on TV Right Now?

2008-11-04T01:19:00.001-08:00

I don't know why...but something won't let me hate you. In fact I kind of love your show.

And I'm not proud, but Onch, I miss you.

Any time someone has a meltdown and throws themselves into an empty treasure chest, I have to take a picture.

Congratulations. You are officially the most insane person on TV.

Though sometimes, I wonder if you are just trying to re-enact Christopher Lloyd's character in The Dream Team.

Is there anything more tragic than a father/son drug bust?

You might try to fight it...but admit it, if you hear Piano Man, you ARE going to end up singing along. Possibly even screaming along if you've had a few beers.

(Picture by Jamie Nelson:)

Sorry SNL. I'm not buying the whole comeback hype. And honestly, you are REALLY screwed now that Amy Poehler is gone.

For the record, you are never going to get me to watch your show by advertising a Katie Holmes cameo.

(Just bring back George Michael, OKAY!)

I'm not even a little surprised.

Darrell Hammond is

no Phil Hartman ....and NEVER will be.

I LOVE going to Starbucks and ordering something besides coffee. It really makes their brain hurt.

And if the barista annoys me, when they ask me if I'm sure I don't want coffee, I tell them I don't like Starbuck's coffee. I swear one time I ALMOST made a barista's head explode. It was so fun!

I'd rather be curvy than look like Janice Dickinson.

I don't trust anyone who is a Jewish Republican. Or lactose intolerant.

Yo Gabba Gabba is the new H.R. Pufnstuf . Only Yo Gabba Gabba doesn't creep me out.

You couldn't pay me to watch this crap.

This is my worst nightmare.

But THIS is a family I can get behind.

Why can't we eat green bean casserole year-round? For having vegetables in it, that shit is good.

This didn't work out. Really? weird.

And for the record, I'd rather sleep with an 85 year old than this no-talent douchebag.

Sometimes I fantasize about how I want to go crazy. Continually running over my sunglasses with my car on a highway....definite contender.

For Halloween, my boyfriend and I decided to be our "favorite" prop comics;

Carrot Top

and Gallagher;

(Happy Birthday Matt and Travis!)

Even Though I Am Not the Obvious Choice.....He Is Definitely Talking About Me Too!!

2008-10-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

This might be the greatest moment of my life so far.....courtesy of The Hoff!!!

http://www.davidhasselhoff.com/video/video/show?id=2051706%3AVideo%3A161491

Enjoy This Blog....While I Starve...I Mean Atone For The Jewish Holiday

2008-10-07T21:38:00.001-07:00

Wow. I am getting old. Lately my neck has been hurting so I have been watching TV like this.....

(With my airplane neck pillow on. )
p.s. Tyra has taught me so much. Don't I look skinny in this picture? It's because I made my boyfriend stand up high to take it:)

Whenever I see your new ads...one word comes to mind. And it is that word that comes before Housewives.....what is it?...oh yeah...DESPERATE.

Why is it that anytime a character turns evil, they suddenly become a brunette? I hate that.

P.S. You are losing me. You better get it together fast.

Your show makes me happy.

Not to mention it has some of my all-time favorite

musical theater ladies.

It is unbelievable to me that you would introduce yourself as someone laid back. You are the most unhappy, uptight douchebag I have seen on this show in a while.

And I watched when Rob and Amber were on, so that is saying a lot!

I thought I hated this girl. But last week....she kind of stole the show.

(And I don't mean Spring Awakening!)

Have you had Chicken Parmesan lately? You should.

I am rooting for My Own Worst Enemy. I've missed Hard Harry.

I need to say it again, I honestly LOVE watching these idiots suffer.

And if you let a guy nicknamed Johnny Bananas decide your food rations, you deserve to suffer.

She

is really making

Vicki from Small Wonder seem like a bad actress.

You need to get laid.

I know you stopped watching this ten years ago.....but trust me. You NEED to come back.

And George....the guy on the left is making you look like an ass for not coming back.

I can't speak for all Jews...but when G-d decided the best way to suffer uh...I mean atone....was to fast for a day, he SO had my number.

I can't believe I fought watching this show for so long. It's kind of amazing.

And this show just gets better and better....

I never thought I would root for a serial killer.

I want to defend Kentucky, but you are not helping their case.

(Because it is clear you are about to take an Ultimate Fighter meltdown to the next level)

Just don't take things to the Rampage Jackson level!

(and in case you don't know...this guy tried to flee a hit and run in a truck with his picture plastered on the side!)

I guess I'm a little twisted. Because I think you are even hotter now that I know you are a sex addict.

Blatant evidence that it's not time for me to pop out a kid.... my boyfriend just found out his best friend's girl is pregnant, and he LITERALLY fainted. FAINTED!!

I Feel Like I Am Getting a Little Old and Bitter

2008-09-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

I am stoked that that wasn't your head in the box.

Though I keep thinking of that scene in Soapdish where Whoopi says " how am I going to write for someone that doesn't have a head?"

But I still want to have your babies. Seriously Wentworth...I will carry your babies. The offer is on the table.

I can't believe this was my favorite summer comedy.

But honestly...it reminded me of a lot of guys I know. I mean I can't think of many 35 year old guys I know who don't have either a Chewbacca mask or Hulk hands at home. Is that weird?

(see the Hulk Hands? I rest my case:)

Why does my friend Amy (and her roommate Allen) think it is so wrong that I love this cartoon character? I can't be the only one who sees the similarities between her and I!

I heard they are developing a new Facebook for the CIA. That SO doesn't surprise me. Even people with top secret identities want to find out if their rival from high school is fat!

I ended my summer by seeing Donna Summer live. That night was either the youngest I've ever felt...or the oldest I've ever felt. I still can't decide.

But a lot of 40 year old queens love some Donna Summer!

(No...Ricky Martin wasn't there. I was just trying to think of 40 year old gays and I found these pictures of Ricky and "a friend." But I'm not judging....because to me, these are half hilarious and half hot!!!)

My boyfriend pointed out something so true. I don't have a stopping point for texting (or IM ing). No really. I will just keep chatting with you until you cut me off first. I have never been the one to stop first. Ever.

If you say you don't put up with high maintenance people....just so you know...you are the high maintenance person that all of your friends are putting up with.

It's funny that you want nothing to do with Jay-Z or your sister. Because 90% of the pictures I found were you trying to worm your way into pictures with your sister.

I forgot to mention something in my Olympics blog. I was a little irritated that certain people walked away with the gold (Kobe). On the other hand, one guy's tears made me realize how grateful he is for all his success.
Kobe...you could learn a lot from the man to your left.

I spend way too much time online. I just joined another alternate reality game. Maybe I should focus on getting a job?

I think the Bengals have their own curse. The curse of Ickey Woods. It seems like the Ickey Ickey Shake was the last time things were going well.

How did MTV read my mind? Whenever I watched My Super Sweet 16...I always wished someone would send these little brats to Africa. Fucking awesome.

AND....just when I was thinking, man, these little shits SO don't live in the "Real World" and I'm over it!! ...they sent them to a deserted island with 4 rolls of toilet paper! Thank you MTV!!

I hate ants in the summertime. Why must they stalk me?

I am SO proud of Next Top Model for having a transgendered woman. I finally have justification for supporting this show.

But don't think I am going to let Tyra-bot slide.

(No...this isn't a Tyra-bot photo...but I found it equally ridiculous)

And, am I the only who noticed the magician that announced the judges? I can't be the only one who still remembers Max from Saved By the Bell.

I don't let it make me feel bad when the delivery guy assumes there are four people and brings four sets of silverware for the food that me and my boyfriend have ordered. I just think to myself...wow...that delivery guy really underestimates my eating abilities!!!

I may be turning into a grumpy old lady. I was talking to myself at Target when someone in front of me tried to pay with a check....Oh Jesus.

A word from the wise...when you see someone in line at Target buying a gallon of milk. Pick a different line. Things aren't going to end well.

When did A.C. Slater fancy himself a cool guy? Honestly...you are the new Seacrest...but even more gay.

When you are unemployed and alone a lot...you might find yourself having a heart to heart with your cat about the sad loss of Bernie Mac. And you might swear he sympathized.

A note to my guy friends...if you are dating a girl who has left more than one date in an ambulance....run!!

I can safely say after watching the Bob Saget roast that when I am old....I hope I am stealing the show like this lady.

(And yes....this is Cloris Leachman holding a keg over her head!!)

I don't think I really like vampires. But I got tricked into liking "sexy" vampires!

If you don't know about The Jitterbug.....wow....you are missing out on some comedy.

I keep fighting going back to a "normal" job....so....I apply to things like this on craigslist;

Casting Busty Woman For Comedy Pilot (no nudity)

And attaching a jpeg with the title "busty headshot." Not one of my proudest moments.

I Can't Resist....My Thoughts on 90210

2008-09-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

They are so trying to make this show edgy.

(Did the first school scene really start with a top-secret blowjob in the school parking lot?)

Let's take a minute to remember the good old days!

But...I kind of want to make the re-vamped theme song my ringtone.

Annie really reminds me of a combo of two famous ladies.

There is a part of me that loves that she is a theater nerd.

But really...even West Beverly wouldn't get the rights to Spring Awakening right now!
(Spoken by a TRUE theater nerd:)

Kelly has a son??? Wait....what happened to Dylan?

I love it that Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez got a shout-out!(and it was funny when the teacher said...what..is she 30? Nice callback to Hannah's mom!)

How excited was this guy when 90210 called?

(Because as far I've seen, he has lived at the bar at Red Rock since around 2002)

Where's Mrs. Teasley? She would have appreciated a call too dammit!

Do I look that old? ( You'd better be thinking no!)

(sorry Shannen:( I still adore you!!)

I kind of love her...but does that mean I would be Erin Silver if I was the youth of today? Because that makes me feel weird.

Brilliant casting...hiring Jessie Spano.

And...sorry new 90210...I can't let it slide...am I honestly supposed to believe she is celebrating her sweet sixteen? Because she looks like she is 45.

I love how they made THIS 90210 more ethnically appropriate.

I mean...on the original...can you think of anyone ethnic besides that kid DeShawn that Brandon tutored on the basketball team and Steve's freshman buddy Herbert?

By the way...while looking for a picture of Herbert...I found out some disturbing info. Guess who his dad is in real life?

(the one on the right:)

Do you think she misses those little Olsen shits?

Do you think he misses Amanda?

I have to say...I do kind of like their vibe together though.

I am SO happy that you are on this show.
(But I still miss Arrested Development every day!)

(Wait...did she just say that back in the day Ricardo Montalban cracked an egg on her ass? I LOVE her)

Awesome cameo. I always loved Sue Ellen.

I love it that *his dad is a porn producer. Now that is the LA I know and love!

(*I did however see a spoiler about Navid that left me very conflicted about things. I don't want to give it away..but when they reveal it, you are going to know EXACTLY what my issue is)

Brandon still stalks Kelly? That is kind of pathetic.

I'm a little hot for teacher.

And Kelly better watch out! As my friend Robin pointed out (and I 100% agree) Brenda is SO going to try to steal him!

I mean, didn't we learn in like 1994 that Brenda is NEVER going to forgive Kelly for stealing Dylan?

One of the most unbelievable parts of the episode to me was when everyone goes to hang out at Santa Monica Pier on a Friday night. Come on...no one goes to that beach at night, ESPECIALLY not Beverly Hills kids. It is super sketchy!

Then again, they actually film this show at Torrance High School...so I guess location is relative!

If the CW doesn't get the ratings that they hope for...might I recommend bringing Emily Valentine back? She could still stir some shit up!

(Can you even believe this is her and that she is super hot now?)

The Olympics....They ALMOST Make Me Want To Exercise

2008-08-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

The track athletes blow my mind. I think it is because when I was in 8th grade and had to run the mile....my teacher told me to just go ahead and give up, because the bell was about to ring and I had just started lap 4....at around 35 minutes. True story.

Even though I've been to Jamaica before, I had no idea the Jamaicans were PHENOMENAL runners.

(and for G-d's sake...let the man celebrate in peace!! He just won the GOLD!!)

When I went to Jamaica, I was under the impression that everyone excelled at a different "sport."

No wonder you look so happy. You made it to the Olympics and you are six.

I almost forgot how much I loved this guy.

These chicks are badass.

But I was a little sad when the blond one obsessively thanked this guy....

(FYI: I didn't alter this picture in any way. This is our current leader...at his finest).

Joe and Jessica Simpson could learn something from these two.

I think this girl is creepy.

And this is the cute one.

I don't care if he is always injured...he is f***ing hot!!!

There are some things I love about all the time I have been spending in China.

And there are some things that make me sad.

I wonder how many more records this guy would have had without his 'stache.

I REALLY wanted to make fun of this guy(mainly because he never took those damn sunglasses off), but then, he got the bronze.

Finally, someone Cincinnati

can still look up to.

I loved seeing her watch the swimming. Until I found out she was a school principal. Ugh. No wonder the poor guy doesn't let himself smile that much.

What does make him smile? facebook. Did you hear him say he had checked it twice from Beijing and had 8,000 new friend requests?

I suddenly started feeling a lot better about getting older.

Even though I haven't exercised since 1995.

Meet the Madonna of China. You might have noticed her at the closing ceremonies. Here she is....Wei Wei.

Here's a little known Lisa Gopman fact.....I did shotput and discus on the track team in 8th grade. Sexy huh?

I also played softball for a season. I played catcher and I had no hits. All season.

There are so many reasons that I feel bad for this guy. Do I even need to start with his name?

Synchronized swimming...is kind of amazing. I can barely do a handstand!

(The Pros)

(me and my boyfriend after about 5 bottles of wine:)

Wait....is that Jackie Chan?

(I took a picture of my TV...because I couldn't find it online and I didn't want you to think I was insane)

I don't think anyone can deny that Michael Phelps will be what everyone remembers from these Olympics. But this is going to be a close second in my book.

(and if you don't know...this is an angry taekwondo participant purposely kicking a ref...in the head!!)

So Many Adventures, So Much Time

2008-08-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more horrifying than a Chihuahua wearing a mini 2008 Beijing Olympics tracksuit.

( I wish to G-d I had a picture of the dog in the tracksuit, but there was just no way to be discreet and take a picture at the Beverly Center. However, I hope you find this dog in a wig equally creepy)

A) If you keep bleeding love, you are doing something wrong. B) Your song makes my ears bleed.

I can't believe I watched the entire season of this crappy show, and this is the person who won it all.

(and for the record, I was in LOVE with this guy when he was on General Hospital, but this outfit pretty much ruined it for me forever. And the part where he called Rachel Hunter "sexy for a big girl." Pathetic.)

Your boyfriend probably isn't going to feel sorry for you when you complain that your "job" for the day is going to be so annoying....shopping all day for a cocktail dress. What torture!

When you pray to G-d that the dress you are trying on DOES fit, you should probably skip the Cookie Monster cupcake you were planning on getting at the food court.

When you start praying to G-d that the dress you are trying on DOESN'T fit, you probably shouldn't be shopping at Betsey Johnson when you are unemployed.

Just when I thought Criminal Intent couldn't possibly get any better...Chris Noth's replacement was announced.

If my Grandma Rose was alive, I bet she would have at least a solid 20 friends on facebook.

When you don't have a job and you send your lawyer friend a youtube video, you won't understand what he means when he asks you if it is *NSFW.
*And for my fellow out-of-work friends, it means Not Suitable/Safe For Work.

A bride should never force you to wear a dress color named after a random fruit or vegetable. For example, this lovely tangelo color.

Is it wrong that I think the Baby Borrowers is the funniest show on TV this summer?

Lifetime's Fallen Angels week has kept me in front of the TV for 6 hours today. My personal favorite...a heartwarming film about syphilis.

People who love humidity need counseling.

People who love French wine are snobby.

If you are a sommelier, you can drink a bottle of wine each day and call it "work." Note to self, go to sommelier school.

Young actresses...PLEASE...stick to acting. The singing is getting embarrassing.

The Dark Knight moved me in ways I never imagined. Heath Ledger is going to go down in movie history for one of the all time great performances.

My best friend doesn't have a bucket list. She has a "fuck it" list or as she explains....a list of things she wants to never have done when she is lying in her grave. Some list highlights...playing golf, watching NASCAR, and going to Disneyland. Don't you totally get why she is my best friend?

The new Bluetooth law in LA isn't helping anyone to drive better. It is just making everyone look even crazier.

In fact, I am kind of missing the good old days.

It is really hard to say which one of these three is more screwed up, but I guess I'm leaning toward the one that averages 8 costume changes during a 45 minute set with his rock band. (And still loves hanging out with Jacko in his free time.)

My two favorite things were you and Rose's St. Olaf stories.

When you actually know(and love) someone on a reality show, for once it isn't fun when the shit hits the fan.

Note to Last Comic auditioners: Just because your friends keep telling you that you are funny, please don't pick the day of auditions to try telling the first joke of your life. Thanks.

Note to Last Comic producers: After I have just waited in line with aforementioned "comics" for five hours, don't ask me to put on a funny hat and entertain the crowd.

(and for the record, I have this exact hat, but I won't let you pimp me out Last Comic.)

Best mugshot ever.

Ask yourself this question, can you imagine anything in this world better than a bar where, when you order a "Top Gun"; they turn on "Danger Zone", hand you a pilot's cap, aviator glasses, and a shot? Because that might have been the single greatest moment of my life so far. (Thank you Grig and thank you NYC!!)

(now this is a funny hat deserving of my time and energy)

I'm Still Alive...and I Am Gathering Some Serious Stories For You!!

2008-07-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I just wanted to check in with you and tell you that I am still alive...I have just been traveling like crazy(and yes, I am still unemployed, I just fancy myself an unemployed Paris Hilton!) I have done everything from camping, to TWO Vegas trips, lived the east coast life in NYC, saw George Michael live in concert and just attended a wedding I have been looking forward to for a whole year!!! So trust me....some more blogs are coming:) I promise!

And until then...here is a picture that kind of describes what I have been up to since the last time you heard from me!

(This is me, allegedly "not drunk" after a 7 HOUR OPEN BAR!!!!)

Don't Blink!! You Might Miss It! Me On TMZ

2008-06-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

My TMZ Premiere!!! Finally!!! I am thinking of making my new job...paparazzi chaser! I saw all the cameras and went running to them (while my friend Amy was forced to hold onto my 3 boxes of leftovers from Big Wangs)! I was a little disappointed to find out it was a lame dancer from Dancing With The Stars!! Hopefully, sometime soon...the paparazzi will be chasing me!! And I'm not going to say I hadn't had a few jack and cokes..but duh Cheryl, I knew the camera was filming.

(look about 30 secs. into the video)

Lisa Gopman Walks Behind Cheryl Burke

One of the Greatest

2008-06-24T01:40:00.000-07:00

I couldn't just go about my blog as usual. I have to address the passing of one of the most influential comedians of my lifetime...George Carlin.

I was immediately saddened by the news that he passed away this week. Believe it or not, his album, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics was the first CD I ever bought. Something about it jumped out at me. If I remember correctly, the salesclerk actually tried to persuade me to buy the one with 7 Dirty Words on it. That is the one he is famous for she told me. Keep in mind, I was making the purchase with some Bat Mitzvah money, so I was all of 13 years old.

I started laughing from practically the second that I turned it on. And why I laughed, is one of the reasons I feel compelled to write about George Carlin this week. There are two things that strike me the most about George Carlin 1) he is not afraid to speak his mind 2) even if you find some of his stuff offensive/not funny, I think there is at least one part of at least one of his bits that will make you laugh your ass off.

For those of you that have seen my standup, you probably know I am not at all dirty. And honestly, some of Carlin's dirty stuff makes me laugh...but that is not what makes me laugh the hardest. As a comic, he really evolved and had a lot of different phases, and personally, I LOVE his bitterness the most. I completely relate to it. There is a part of me that understands getting worked up about things. Lewis Black and Louis C.K. are two of my favorite comics right now, and as I watched Carlin's stuff, I was struck by their similarities to him..mainly because they get really pissed off all the time too.

George Carlin took things a step further. He didn't just believe in what he was writing and performing, he believed in it enough to get arrested.

He wanted his comedy to challenge the way we think. He wasn't afraid to make fun of religion or rape or other societal taboos. Even though I feel like he and I have almost nothing in common, there are two ways I feel extremely connected. 1) I love throwing in the f word sometimes. I can't help it. I feel like sometimes, it can really fucking emphasize a point. 2) I am thankful that someone has paved the way for us comics to speak our mind. Sometimes I get pissed off about politics or the post office or something silly like Gwyneth Paltrow, and I am thankful that George Carlin got the American public used to a good old fashioned rant. Because I don't know how I would get through life without venting about stuff that pisses me off. And I can only aspire to get as pissed off as the great George Carlin.

A Little Education For You

George Carlin is most famous for his ***Seven Dirty Words routine.

This was nearly impossible to find(and sorry it technically isn't a video) but still one of my favorites.

This is from the album that I played over and over again. Not as well known as some of his earlier bits, but one that made me laugh and think, hmmm, I kind of love comedy!

If you are sensitive about religion, this might make you a little angry, but George wouldn't have it any other way.

Hopefully, there is something on this page that you can appreciate. George Carlin might not be for everyone, but there is no question that he will be remembered as a man who changed comedy forever.

***Here is a brief explanation from Wikipedia about what went down.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_dirty_words

DID I MENTION I HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME?

2008-06-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

Charlotte's Web and/or Babe will completely blow a cat's mind.

(Go ahead and click on the play button. This is a real video of my cat watching Charlotte's Web. Did I mention I have a lot of free time?)

Correction...... Both Hogans are completely despicable.

Is it just me or is Hollywood REALLY stretching the word "celebrity?"

(C. Thomas Howell on Celebracadabra...need I say more?)

When, for a second, I am completely mesmerized by Peter Brady on a high-wire, TV sucks.

Dina Lohan is the definition of a cougar.

Ali Lohan is already so tragic.

Denise Richards should probably just look hot and not talk.

Even though I would feel awkward
"talking" to many of my "friends" on facebook,
I feel completely comfortable being updated on their emotional/physical status every 2 hours.

I never want to work again.

I must confess...I still think Alanis Morissette is awesome.

Every Coldplay song sounds exactly the same. Incredibly whiny.

Even though I haven't been to Spain for ten years....I like to keep the traditions by taking a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day.

Tapas restaurants are my favorite restaurants because you can order fourths and no one will look at you funny.

Be careful boys...there are a lot of fucked up chicks out there trying to trick you into marriage.

13 years later......and I'm sorry...but Clueless still makes me pee.

When you are at a party and a guy with an eyepatch shows up..you know things are going to get crazy!

I still loathe Star Trek...but at some point of my unemployment...I turned into a bit of a sci-fi nerd.

A "hot" club with a long line on a Monday night only proves that there are a lot of unemployed people in L.A.

Some things about Ohio are lame...but Skyline chili rules!

My apologies to The Hoff, but I'm pretty skeptical about America having Talent.

I am definitely a dual personality Gemini. I go back and forth between thinking I am an artist and thinking I am an alcoholic.

Sudden death from salmonella. Yet another reason that tomatoes suck.

TiVo is the greatest invention of my lifetime. Besides string cheese.

Charlie Lee is the worst postal carrier in the U.S.

Smog checks are total bullshit.

Word from the wise, don't go to your smog check hungry or the mechanic might trick you into accepting an unidentifiable ethnic treat in place of the free car wash he promised you.

I found the pictures for this blog at 5 AM, after 6 jack and cokes and an entire frozen cheese pizza.

I'm Italian...and I used to be able to lay out in the sun without even applying SPF 15. All of a sudden I need SPF 50. Global warming much?

Absinthe blows my mind.

Even if you don't give a shit about sports...some moments can truly inspire you.

If you are 40, single, and still doing ecstasy..you are gay.

I'm Not Getting Any Smarter

2008-06-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

If I did a one-woman show, it would be called Ranch dressing and Jerry Springer.

The best part of unemployment is you can say yes to everything...just don't ask me to run or help you move.

I only run for beer and well, sorry to be repetitive, cheddar cheese.

Summer programming can only make America dumber.

America doesn't really get it when you stay with a man who fucks around on you.

(This was the EASIEST picture to find. Poor Hillary.)

As much as I loved red-headed boys as a child, adult men with red hair are creepy. Men with LONG red hair scare the shit out of me.

Indiana Jones, you had me. Until Shia LaBeouf started swinging through vines like a monkey.

(clearly Spielberg was too mortified to let any pictures of the monkeys onto the internet)

I can't wait to see my first love this summer.

(Explains a lot doesn't it?)

I ate 7 hot dogs my birthday weekend. Don't tell Dr. Kieu.

Am I the only one who really thought they would "make it" by age 30? Um, 40 is the new 30 right?

Whatever Celtics fans. I met Larry Bird once.
He was a jerk.

David Sedaris
might be the only man who understands me.

The island NEEDS you all to come back.

I LOVE Steve Carrell, but having him be romantic with Anne Hathaway* is creepy. Even though I personally would totally have sex with him.

*By the way, I've already seen the movie and sorry Get Smart writers, but your explanation of their age difference doesn't make it any less creepy!

TV/Movie-crossover advertising is just getting too ridiculous. Seriously.

I kind of love Wolf though.

I might be getting too old for keg parties. No. Scratch that. You are never too old for a kegger.

Part of me is sick-to-my-stomach thinking about the new 90210. The other part of me knows I am going to get a Tivo season pass no matter what.

I can't believe when I was in middle school I couldn't wait to shave my legs.
Now I will do anything to avoid it.

Is it wrong
that I REALLY want to mess with the Zohan?

Wine tasting is a fancy way of saying "For now, I am going to be dignified. However, I am going to buy three bottles of wine, go home, and drink until I fall down." Or is that just me?

If you ask me..it should be Carrie and Aidan.

I am so sick of nepotism.

Mike Myers is getting desperate.

Still Unemployed, Still Watching Too Much TV

2008-05-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

If she hadn’t already had a level 10 meltdown (AND invited all her fans to come and stay in her guest room on my all-time favorite episode of Cribs), Mariah Carey 's marriage to Nick Cannon would have shocked me.

Worried that you won't be able to stand out on the millionth season of the Real World?? Here are some ways you will go down in Real World history!! ( You must be so proud!!)

1) As a southern white girl, get very offended when your African American roommate gets in your face a little and tell your roommate:

“I don’t care if you’re from the most inner city…Blackville…you don’t act like that”

(I swear, she literally says "Blackville.")

2) Overdose on alcohol and use the word "bro" to the point that you have to enter rehab during week one of the "Real World."

Just when I think I am capable of pretending that you (and the rest of your "reality" show) don’t exist, you announce you want to adopt an African child and name him “Dunk” because you know he will be good at basketball. Seriously?

May sweeps really aren’t as fun when the Rules of Engagement is the only show with new episodes.

Meredith Grey is a train wreck I simply don’t want to associate with anymore.

Nice guys always marry bossy girls.

Americans would love a sweet, confused closet homosexual to be their next Idol.

(Not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm just saying..he is clearly a friend of Seacrest.)

Women’s Murder Club makes me want to kill someone.

If I borrowed Ashton Kutcher’s camera, I would take a picture of my ass.

(While I am extremely dedicated to my blog, I am not taking a picture of my ass for you. This is just a funny ass I found online.)

Is there any way to add your first grade boyfriend on Facebook without seeming creepy?

Robin Williams seriously needs a drink.

In LA, Souplantation is a bulimic’s special treat. In Ohio, Souplantation* is just another Friday night. *Technically, in my town it is called Ponderosa.

I can’t believe I am saying this…but I kind of love Martha Stewart.

If I moved to Vegas, I would literally be dead after 48 hours.

I might have a drinking problem.

When you are 30 and you have a hangover, you can finally admit to yourself that Pepto Bismol really helps.

When you are unemployed, you still aren’t going to read any books.

Holding a grudge will probably pay off in the end.

My main addiction is cheese. A close second, Jack Daniels.

Bill Cosby got REALLY grumpy.

When you nap all day, that isn’t “resting”, that’s just being lazy.

My personal sneezing record is 32 times in a row.

**not my sexiest moment and not 32 times, but still pretty impressive!

P. Diddy now fancies himself an actor. Acting like an asshole isn’t going to get you an Oscar.

Mary Louise Parker makes drug dealing seem really scary and kind of hot at the same time.

Sex and the City is either going to be the best movie ever or the worst movie ever. I am inclined to bet on the latter.

Despite what you tell yourself, most people don’t recognize former Jeopardy champions at the mall.

(Back row, 3rd from the right. I saw him at The Grove. And as he walked away, I got confirmation because he was carrying a Jeopardy bag.)

Your career must be on fire if you are performing at Rocket Video on a Saturday night.

When I am drunk, I can speak fluent Spanish. Es la verdad.

Life doesn’t get any better than college. There. I said it.

I am the only person in LA without a t-shirt line.

Knowing Shakespeare is one thing.
Constantly quoting Shakespeare means you are a douche bag.

The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake is everything that is wrong with this world. The original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is everything that is right.

I’m not good at sports, but I think I could win a national title in texting.

I literally don’t have a taco or pizza slice eating limit.

Diane Keaton needs to calm down with the gloves in summer.

Ellen DeGeneres jumped the dog (Iggy) last year.

No matter how hard you try, you are never going to be able to convince your friends that a Batman Alternate Reality Game is cool.

I LOVE it when Tyra gets ghetto.

Gary Coleman dressing up as Mr. T is one of the best sitcom moments ever.

Tori Spelling almost loves the gays more than me.

Amy Winehouse makes me feel better about myself.

Vincent D'Onofrio is the new Columbo, only this Columbo I'm oddly attracted to.

I don’t want to give anything away, but the special guest star/famous person is always the murderer.

I don't care what anyone says, Matt Riddle is a badass.

When I grow up, I want to be Amy Sedaris.

Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I am a lot more like Jerri Blank.

I wish vegetables tasted like Flinstones vitamins. Then I would actually want to eat them.

I seriously might be addicted to America’s Next Top Model. I can’t stop. Someone. Anyone. Help.

What we call a “sprinkle” in Ohio, is a “Stormwatch” in LA.

In case you don't know how ridiculous LA is, here is our meteorologist, Dallas Raines.

Dr. Phil is a jackass.

If you cheat on your boyfriend on a reality show, um.. he is actually going to find out when the show airs.

Nothing good ever comes from a reunion show.

I feel a lot more empty inside without Jack Bauer than without a job.

Things We All Can Learn From My Unemployment

2008-04-29T18:38:00.000-07:00

My “natural” wakeup alarm goes off at around 1 PM.

The UPS man is less judgmental about you being in your pajamas at 5 PM than your boyfriend.

Bret Michaels has a LOT of wisdom to pass on. In particular, gigantic boobs can be very distracting but if your face looks like Joan Rivers at age 25, he may not want facetime.

When Danny Bonaduce is judging whether or not your kid is going to be a big star, Welcome to Hollywood. Your life is about to be in the shitter.

As long as Stefano Dimera is maniacally targeting the Bradys,
Days of Our Lives is still the best show on
TV.

That guy on The Soup is funny and kind of secretly hot.

Fifteen and Pregnant is Kirsten Dunst’s best work to date.

Getting drunk and eating cheddar cheese isn’t going to help you convince your doctor that being unemployed isn’t hurting your cholesterol.

If you forget to mention and claim that $500 you earned in comedy last year, the unemployment office will come to the obvious conclusion that you MUST be someone trying to steal the illustrious career of Lisa Gopman.

You can get a deal on a YMCA membership if you are unemployed, but you actually have to make yourself go to the YMCA to get the deal.

When you skip around town talking about how good unemployment is, you make your telemarketing boyfriend have the urge to kill.

When you brag about unemployment at Lenscrafters, your optometrist might confide in you that she is really a musician and that you have just convinced her to quit tomorrow.

Without even trying, you can spend a full “work” day on myspace finding out what all your old “buddies” from high school are doing now.

You might find that a lot of those former classmates seem to be married women who love NASCAR. Hmmmm ?

Obsessively stalking travel sites for deals, doesn’t mean you can tell people you traveled the world with your time off.

There are a lot of REALLY dumb girls on TV who can’t figure out why they are still single.

Saturday Night Live sucks now because Tina Fey isn’t the head writer.

Ashley Simpson managed to involve herself with someone equally untalented and uninteresting.

Oprah is so NOT G-d. In fact, she is pretty f***ing needy.

Gayle knows a good vajajay when she figures out
how to live off of it.

They don’t make game shows like the original
What’s My Line? anymore.

Doritos Collisions are a gift from G-d.

Despite Bravo’s best efforts, the word fierce does get old after the hundredth time.

Star Jones’
divorce has renewed my faith in humanity. Seriously. It has.

When you hit 30, you really do start to appreciate wine. Or else you just feel weird when you are the only one arriving at the party with a large bottle of Jack Daniels.

Legalize it.

Bob Marley can make a grown man cry.
Especially at 4 in the morning.

Purim is the coolest Jewish holiday. You are supposed to dress up like one of the characters in the holiday story and then get so drunk that you can’t remember who you dressed up as.

Jesus wouldn’t want you to judge so much. How about if you learn your lessons and I learn more? Oops. I mean mine.

Girls, you don‘t have to end up with assholes like Ray Pruit. There are better options out there.
Don’t settle.

If you are a “metro” in LA, you are a “homo” in NY.

Scientologists don’t like it when you give
them back the stare.

When you date someone for 7 years, you get a LOT of shit at weddings and usually have to black out drink to deal.

I might have 2 personalities.

Even though it is great they are environmentally responsible, a lot of assholes drive hybrids.

There is a reason I never saw Coyote Ugly until I was unemployed.

There are a lot of hack comedians that
work constantly.

Jay Leno is embarrassing.

It doesn’t make you feel good about yourself when you are
too drunk to get through an entire episode of Celebrity Rehab.

If you suck but your parents are famous, you are Gwyneth Paltrow. If you suck as a musician and your parents are famous, you are on Rock the Cradle.

It’s probably better if we don’t find out the secret talents of celebrities.

Sometimes, even you don’t know whether you are a Cylon or not.

Hulk Hogan is kind of a pig.

Just because you take a great picture, you aren’t necessarily right to be America’s Next Top Model.

Matzah does not fill you up.

Some days, don’t you kind of want to settle down with Dwight on his beet farm?

If you want to be a professional slut, make as many internet “friends” as you can, convince people that you love boys AND girls, and convince MTV that playing your dating show 10 times a day will make the world a better place.

Some days, you will feel more productive sending five cat pictures to your boyfriend than sending five resumes to AOL CareerBuilder.

(My cat is helping me pick a good headshot)

written (with love:) by Lisa Gopman